


In your eyes, Eros

by LoenaAdams



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Band Fic, Established Relationship, Family Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, References to Depression, Secret Relationship, Sobbe - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:01:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24880474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoenaAdams/pseuds/LoenaAdams
Summary: Wandering Romance is the thing everybody has been talking about the last two years. Wandering Romance is a Belgium-Dutch pop boy band formed in 2018 in Antwerp, Belgium.The band consist out of five boys that auditioned individually at a talent show.The group is composed of Jens Stoffels, Lucas van der Heijden, Sander Driesen, Senne de Smet and Robbe Ijzermans. The group signed with the label Syco Records after forming and finishing second in a Belgium talent show. Their first album was a huge success all of the world. It topped in multiple charts in most major markets.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 28
Kudos: 104





	1. Chapter one: Prologue

_Wandering Romance is the thing everybody has been talking about the last two years. Wandering Romance is a Belgium-Dutch pop boy band formed in 2018 in Antwerp, Belgium._

_The band consist out of five boys that auditioned individually at a talent show._

_The group is composed of Jens Stoffels, Lucas van der Heijden, Sander Driesen, Senne de Smet and Robbe Ijzermans. The group signed with the label Syco Records after forming and finishing second in a Belgium talent show. Their first album was a huge success all of the world. It topped in multiple charts in most major markets. Their second album was just as successful or maybe even more._

_The group was won over thirty awards in the past year._

_Including Brit Awards, MTV Video Music Awards, Billboard Music Awards, American Music Awards (including Artist of the Year in 2018 and 2019), and teen choice awards._

_Their first world tour was sold out and according to Forbes, their album 'Dust' was the best-selling album worldwide. All the members are in the top ten best-paid celebrity under twenty-five from Belgium. Their second world tour was a stadium tour only and has beaten the record of fastest out selling in tour ever._

_They recently have released their third clothing line named 'Wildfire'. They have tones of collaborations with big names in the fashion industry like Champion, Levi, and even Gucci._

_It has been rumoured that the release of their third album is only a matter of time. Senne de Smet (21) has been spotted multiple times by a recording studio in L.A._

_There is probably going to be another tour as well since their website had been updated. There also speculations that there is going to be a movie, but nothing has been confirmed yet. The movie would be like a documentary over the life of the five boys after and before fame._

_One thing we know for sure is that the five boys are busy._

* * *

'We are not calling the new album 'three' that is just stupid.' 

Lucas gulps down the last bit of his beer and places the glass with a bang on the table. It had been a long tiring afternoon filled with recording, writing, arguing. All the boys were done with it, but they weren’t allowed to leave yet. 

'Well, I don't hear you coming with any good suggestions.'

Jens gives the Dutch boy an annoyed look. 

'Well, what about 'Love all-around'?'

The four boys other boy groan loudly. 

'Because that isn't stupid. Serious Luc? Love all around?'

The brown-curled boy shrugs 'It fits the band name.'

'I still hate that name. Anyone one else that wants another beer?' 

Senne places his guitar on the standard next to him. 'Sander, do you want some?'

'I am good, man, I still have to drive.'

'I will drive you home, baby. I just got my license and I still need to practise.' The youngest member gives his boyfriend a soft look. 

'You two are not allowed to leave together, remember?' Amber, who is sitting behind her desk, is not even looking up from her phone. Robbe let his head fall back against the wall behind him. 

Jens snorts 'as if anyone is going to notice that.'

'I am sorry, guys. I just deliver the message. Also, I am going to make a phone call and when I come back you have to decide on a name otherwise the media team will and you know they will choose something stupid.'

The girl gets up from her desk and slams the door behind her.

There is an awkward pause. 

'I fucking hate her.'

Robbe takes his boyfriend's hand and tries to smooth his lover. 'It is not her fault. She is just doing her job.'

It doesn't work. Robbe can see his boyfriend getting red in his face. 'Well then her job fucking sucks. It just so stupid, I-'

'We know it is unfair, but there is nothing we can do about it' Senne puts a few bottles on the table. ‘Arguing about it won’t change a thing so perhaps save the energy and effort.’ 

Sander opens his mouth to reply but closes again when Robbe gives him a warning look. 

It is a sensitive topic for all of them. 

Everyone hates the fact that Sander and Robbe have to hide their relationship but they really haven't much of a choice. 

They signed a contract when they were young, innocent and naive. They didn't read the small letters in the contract. 

All the boys were so happy that they were offered a deal with a label that they signed as soon as they could. It was like a dream coming true, especially in the first few months when they met. 

All of them auditioned at a talented show individually. They got through the first rounds but then were eliminated just before the Bootcamp. 

A judge wasn't happy with her decision but didn't have any space left on her team for any solo artists. So she decided to form a group composed out of Jens, Lucas, Senne, Sander and Robbe. 

It had been weird for all of them. 

They had never met each other and now they were competing together to try to make their dreams come true. The boys had agreed to give everything they had and so they did. 

After one simple performance during the first live show, they had gotten an enormous fanbase. 

It had been overwhelming. One moment they were normal teenage boy's with a dream and the next moment they were recording their first album. Their lives had turned upside down. Robbe, Jens and Lucas were still in school, but they took the risk and left high school without a degree. 

Suddenly they weren't home that much anymore and only four months after the talent show had ended, they were touring around the world already. 

Everything was just so new, different and unbelievable. 

Luckily it had clicked between the boys. 

They all got along pretty well considering the fact they had just had been thrown together. Maybe it was the success at first, but now they were proper friends. 

They had experienced things together that only they would understand. 

The feeling of standing in a sold-out stadium around the age of eighteen or travelling around the world, the money, the luxury. But also the negative things travelling and performing so much that you are exhausted that you can barely stand on your feet, having a bad day but are forced to put on a mask, people interfering with everything you do. 

No, it hadn't been easy, but they had each other and they were going to get through this. 

They had tried to get out of the contract, but there was no way out. The boys had even hired lawyers but no, they had to stay with the label until they had released six albums. 

Of course, they were thankful for their label without the management they wouldn't be able to live their dream. It was a difficult position. The label gave them so much opportunity but asked so much in return. 

Sometimes it felt like they were suffocating. 

'What about Eros?'

'What the hell does that mean?'

The youngest band member sits a little straighter in his chair. 'It has different meanings but the most know one is love. It is also a term used in philosophy.'

The other members exchange an uncomfortable look but Robbe continues his story. 

'Prior to Freud’s final refinements to his concept of libido, he had developed an ancillary theory, in which aggression was admitted as a force of more or less equal standing with sexual motivation. In place of sovereign sexual libido, he was led to postulate two opposing instincts: Eros, the life instinct, and Thanatos, the death instinct a desire to return to an inorganic state. Because Eros opposes the taking of one’s own life, which Thanatos would urge, the destructive energy of the death instinct is turned outward and expressed as aggression toward others—hence the record of carnage, cruelty, and persecution that is the burden of human history. I thought it was kinda fitting.'

Senne chuckles 'come again, buddy?'

Robbe wriggles his phone out of his pocket. 'My mother send me once a message about it one time. Wait a second I will read it out for you guys.  _ At the same time, however, the life of the intellect was conceived as being driven by a passionate aspiration for what was eternal and universal. This unique fusion of the intellectual and the conative life—the life of desire and action—receives its most dramatic expression in Plato’s doctrine of love or eros. At its deepest level, each life is driven by a passionate desire for what is at once beautiful and less time-bound than itself. For most people, eros takes the form of sexual love and the extension of a finite life through progeny. There is, moreover, ascending order of objects of eros, encompassing not just beautiful bodies but beautiful souls, as well as laws, institutions, and practices that are, in their own way, beautiful. Given all that it incorporates, this ascending hierarchy becomes increasingly abstract and decreasingly time-bound. At its summit is the idea of the Good itself. The achievement of a vision of the Good is the ultimate goal and fulfilment of the human life, but it is strongly suggested that it lies beyond the power of words to express the content of that vision.' _

Robbe shrugs 'I don't know. I really like the name and its meaning. It fits the vibe of the album if you ask me.'

'What was in called again?' 

Jens gets out of his chair to take the younger boy's phone.

'Eros' the black-haired adolescent speaks the word slowly as if he is tasting the letters 'Eros, hmmm I like it.'

'It sounds mysterious and romantic so yeah I like it too' Lucas spins in his chair. 

'Senne and Sander?'

Robbe's brown eyes stare hopefully at the two older boys. 

'I mean it is not my first choice but you are right. It fits the album.'

'Sander?'

The bleached-blond sighs and the face of his boyfriend falls. 

'I fucking love it, baby.' 

The group of boys sigh with relief. 

'Does this mean we can finally leave? I fucking love you guys, but we have here for ten hours already. I am like half an hour late for my date with Zoë.'

'If you ask me you can leave, but I wouldn't leave until misses manger returns. How is Zoë doing by the way?'

'Busy, she is fucking busy. She and the girls are going on tour soon so yeah rehearsals and shit. She is here for like a week now.' 

'They did well in the charts, didn't they? I remember-'

'And do we have a name so that we can finally move on?'

Amber walks back in the room holding papers, binders and a cup of coffee. 

'Yeah, we want to call it Eros.'

A look of confusion appears the girl's face 'what the hell does that mean?'

'The short version is something like life instinct and a passion for sexual desire. Seems fitting right?'

Sander's voice sounds bitter and annoyed but Amber doesn't notice it or she chooses wisely to ignore it. 

'Hmm, sounds fitting indeed. How do you spell it? I will text to the modest and they will decide if it is okay. I also have schedules for the next months ready. I have to warn you, it is going to be busy.'

'Can we discuss it tomorrow? I really need to leave.'

Senne is already grabbing his jacket from the ground while texting on his phone. Amber's face falls 'I am sorry. You still have to do some recording the vocals need to be recorded today so the Modest can decide what song is going to be a single.'

All the boy groans with frustration. They have been too long in this small studio getting shout at. Their new album was being produced with guest and co-writers that the band had never met or worked with before. 

The men were all arrogant rich assholes who thought they knew best. It wasn't fun to record that way anymore, it felt like there album wasn't theirs anymore. 

Luckily they were still allowed to write their own songs otherwise this album was complete torture. 

'So Senne if you can go first that would be lovely then can I discuss the schedule for the next month with each of you individually.'

'Can I leave after that?'

The blond girl hesitates before nodding. 'But please come in time tomorrow. We have a photoshoot planned for the album cover. Do I need to arrange a taxi for you? I will send you a voice message with all the details we are about to discuss.' 

Amber talks to fast that she hard to follow. Her phone keeps ringing while she is typing aggressively on her other phone. 

'Just text me the address. I will be on time I swear. See you tomorrow, boys.' 

'Don’t forget to listen to the voice message!’ Amber yells when the door is being closed. There is no response. 

The rest of the band mutters a goodbye before focusing back on what they were doing. 

Sander and Robbe cuddling, Lucas reading a magazine and Jens playing around with his keyboard. 

Amber claps in her hand and puts her phones on silent. 

'Alright boys, let's just get over this. Eros is approved by the Modest thank god then we can go back to business. Tomorrow we have a photoshoot at two P.M. You are expected around eight A.M-'

'Why so damn early? 

Sander is playing with his guitar and not looking at the girl who is talking. 

'Because we still need to figure what kind of aesthetic we are going to use. Milan is going to be there to help so is Noor by the way. But moving back to the topic, after the photoshoot, we have a meeting with Simone about everything. We will discuss then the release date, first single, video clip, the tour etc. On Thursday you are free but on Friday you have a pre-recorded radio interview on Skyradio at 8 A.M which means we have to be present at 7 A.M but it is in San Diego so we have to leave at least two hours so a taxi will come and pick you up at 5 A.M. Yes I am sorry boys' the girl quickly adds when the band groans with frustration.

'But during that interview, you guys announce the album and it is all going to be fun!'

'I can't fucking wait' Jens voice cracks as if he has just has woken up, rolling his eyes. 

'Sander, I need to speak to you in a second. Robbe and Lucas, you two can go the record room. Jens, you told me earlier this weekend that you had an idea for a beat for that one song? Ed just arrived and he will look with you.'

Robbe slowly gets out of his boyfriend lap while pressing a soft kiss against the cheek of the older boy. 

'Call me tonight?'

Sander nods and a cramped smile appears on his face. 'See you tomorrow, cutie.'

'See you tomorrow, Sander. Ik zie u graag'

'Ik u ook.'

Robbe strokes his lover's hair and leans forward to press one last kiss against the other boy's lips. 

The boys stare in each other eyes before they get rudely interrupted by Jens and Luc mocking them. 

‘ _Oh, Sander’_

_‘Oh, Robbe’_

'Goodbye, the love of my life. When we finally see each other again? I wish-'

'Shut up you two. Come on Luc, let's just get over this already.'

Robbe waves his boyfriend goodbye and blows an air kiss while heading out of the small room.

Both boys sigh with relief when they finally feel the fresh air from the air conditioning on their skin. 

It was fucking hot in that room and it had no windows at all. The room was suffocating and Robbe's head was hurting. He could hear his heartbeat pounding in his head and his eyes were heavy with sleep. 

They had been recording until 5 A.M yesterday and they were back at the studio around 10. Now it was 8 P.M and Robbe was exhausted. 

He hadn't slept much during the past few weeks. There had been a lot of stress about the album, his relationship with Sander, the contract, his family and he was also homesick. 

Robbe just wanted to go back to Belgium to live with his mom for a few weeks. He knew that it was not going to happen anytime soon. When the album was finally finished they needed to do promo's, music videos, tour rehearsals and then the actual tour would happen already. 

Maybe he could ask for a small break. Just a week in where he could visit and check up on his mama. Surely that should be possible in the schedule. The boy makes a mental note to ask Amber later this week. 

'So Eros? Did you just came up with that or was that something that had been on your mind for longer?'

Robbe shrugs 'I don't know. I just think it sounds cool.'

Lucas nods slowly as they walk through the long hallways in the studio. 

'I know that there is more to the story. Isn't their a quote of Italian singer named Eros about the truth will always come out? ' 

The smaller boy giggles softly 'of course there is fucking more to it.'

A smile appears on Luc's face 'you are such a little introvert rebel. Sander is rubbing off on you.' 

Robbe rolls his eyes but can't help smiling. 

'It is the only thing I really can do.'

Lucas sighs and gives him a soft nudge 'I am sorry, bro.'

'It is not your fault.'

'I mean no it isn't but' the boy hesitates 'it just feels wrong, you know. You shouldn’t have to hide your relationship.'

'It is what it is. In a few years, it all will be over.'

Lucas stays silent for a second. 'You think so?'

'You don't?'

The other boy shrugs 'I mean are you planning on coming out as soon as the contract ends?'

Robbe nods 'of course I am. I am done being in the closet.'

Lucas nods but doesn't look him into the eyes. 

'Is there something wrong with that?'

Lucas continues to stare at the ground. 'No, I just- Whatever'

Robbe raises his eyebrow but decides to let the topic go. 

They meet Senne in the hallway who has a frustrated look on his face. 'Good luck guys, that dude is something else.' Robbe and Lucas both groan while given Senne a short hug. 

'See you tomorrow, tell Zoë that I say hi.'

Senne nods 'she asked if you wanted to hang out soon again. She misses you.'

Robbe chuckles 'I will text her tomorrow. Now go before she loses her patience.'

The oldest boy gives him a wink before sprinting away to the exit. 

'Do you want to go first?'

Lucas shakes his head. 'Nah, I am perfectly fine waiting and watching you go die first. Robbe snorts and gives the other boy a soft slap. 'Fucker.'

* * *

It is a short drive back to his hotel. The taxi driver tries to make a conversation but Robbe shots it down. He is not in the mood to talk to a stranger. To pretend that he is happy right now because he feels fucking miserable. He is tired and his head still hurts. 

Los Angeles is a beautiful city. It is almost always sunny, the city is alive, the atmosphere is good, you can hear the waves yet Robbe hates it somewhere deep down. It isn't Antwerp. 

Robbe feels lost in big cities like this as if he is all alone. He knows it is bullshit because he is not alone. He has Sander, his friends, bandmates, family and of course his fans. 

But sometimes it doesn't feel that way. He knows that he is loved but something stings. He isn't his true self. The management doesn't allow him to be himself. 

There is that permanent of his stomach filled with bricks. Fear and anxiety in his body. What if people don't love him anymore when the truth comes out? 

What if the band flops because of it? 

Robbe is tired of constantly looking over his shoulder to see if people are following him. He is tired of pretending to be straight, he is tired of being forced to sing girl or her in a song, he is tired of being in a secret relationship, tired of explaining the problem to his family who will never understand it. 

Sander is the only thing that keeps him going right now. 

The older boy is the light of his life. The person who grounds him and keeps him standing. 

It has been that way since the beginning. 

They met during the first audition day of the singing contest and it had clicked immediately. Sander had been making some weird jokes, but Robbe couldn't keep his eyes off the taller boy with bleached blond hair and a leather jacket. 

The vibe just screamed rebel and Robbe liked that way more than he expected. 

He had been sixteen when he auditioned and met Sander. He never expected to come so far. His friend had given him up without him knowing. 

Robbe had been mad at Noor at first, but now he was grateful. Without her, he wouldn't be where he was now. 

Sander and Robbe had exchanged numbers during the first day of auditions. They supported each other and were over the moon when they both got through. 

They texted a lot during the first few weeks. After a month they had already a ton of inside jokes and the first feelings of love started to develop. 

They didn't see each other until the last audition round for the Bootcamp. Both of them didn't get through so the tension wasn't that good. They agreed to meet up in the near future until they got called back by the production team. 

They got offered the opportunity to form a band with three other guys. Of course, they said yes. 

They grew closer together during the two weeks at the Bootcamp. 

Their first kiss was after they heard they got through to the live shows. It was just after midnight when the party died done. Sander and Robbe were the only ones left in the huge garden. 

Sander had jumped naked in the pool and challenging a slightly tipsy Robbe to join him.

The older boy had kissed him underwater. 

Robbe remembers feeling alive for the first time. Even though the water was freezing he felt warmer than never before. As if a bucket filled with happiness was being poured down on his head. 

He had been confused about his sexuality for years. Noor had been his girlfriend for around two months until he realised he wasn't into her. 

She had been very supportive and she was his best friend now. 

Robbe was still quite new to the whole gay thing so he asked Sander if they could take things slow. 

The younger boy was afraid that the production team would find out and that meant coming out on national television. He wasn't ready for that back then.

Now Robbe wishes he had done that. If he had come out then he wouldn't be forced into the closet now. 

Sander and Robbe kept their relationship secret during the talent show.

Fooling around in dark corners, quick kisses before going on stage, sleeping in the same hotel room. 

It was only a matter of time before the rest of the band founded out. 

The boys were chill with it. They couldn't care less. 

The real problem was Simone the boss of the label and there mentor during the talent show. She walked in on them snogging in a recording studio just before their first album was being released. 

She had been kind and understanding but explained that their relationship couldn't be public right now. They had to wait until after the release of their album. 

Sander thought that it was weird, but both boys agreed. They were thankful for the contract and they didn’t have any experience yet in the show business. 

Their first album was a huge success so Robbe and Sander thought it would be okay the come out. 

But then the truth got revealed.

They weren't allowed to date each other according to the contract. 

It had been horrible to find out. 

Robbe will never forget his boyfriend’s face. His green eyes watery and filled with pain and anger. 

Simone who was kind and sweet in the beginning turned to be a true witch. 

She made their lives miserable only to make more money. They weren’t allowed to come out for multiple reasons according to Simone. There were a lot of countries where being gay wasn’t accepted yet. If they came out they wouldn’t be able to tour there. Also, it would take away some of their fanbase. 

A lot of their fans were young girls who had a crush on them. 

Simone offered them a deal, a deal they couldn’t refuse. 

Robbe and Sander were allowed to date each other but there were going to restrictions and rules. Their relationship must be a secret and they weren't allowed to come out until they had made six albums. 

Robbe and Sander had been devastated just like the other band members. They tried everything, but they didn't succeed. They had no other options. 

So the boys tried to hide their relationship, but it didn't work. Fans noticed the way Sander and Robbe were interacting was more than just a bromance.

The boys had to deny it in a radio interview, but that only caused more suspicion among their fans. 

That was the moment the true hell started. They weren't allowed to arrive or leave together, they couldn't post pictures of two them of them on social media, they weren't allowed to stand next to each other on red carpets or photoshoots. 

The modest even created fake rumours that Robbe and Sander couldn't stand each other. 

But it didn't work. 

Fans were convinced that Sander and Robbe were in a relationship. They also had a lot of proof, unfortunately. 

Simone forced one of them into a fake relationship with another celebrity. Sander had sacrificed himself because he knew his underage boyfriend wasn't even attracted to girls. Plus the older boy was a far better actor. 

Robbe had cried himself to sleep for three days straight when the press released the articles and pictures. 

He knew it wasn't Sander fault, yet it still stung. 

Their relationship was under a lot of pressure, but they managed because they were meant for each other. They made an agreement. No matter what the management was going to try, they wouldn't give up. There was a reason they met that day during the audition, there was a reason they were put in the same band. 

They belonged together in every universe including this one. 


	2. Chapter two: This place will never be home

'Dag cutie'

Robbe smiles as soon as his boyfriend appears on his phone screen.

Sander looks despite his purple bags and messy wet hair extremely handsome. 

'How are you doing?'

'Ca va, ca va, just showered.' The smile on his lover’s face is so big that it almost hurts Robe’s chest. 

'Yeah, I can see that' Robbe tries to make his voice sound happy but it just falls flat. 

'What about you, baby?'

The younger boy shrugs 'fine, I guess.'

'Don't lie to me.' 

Sander's voice is just so gentle and understanding that Robbe feels tears burning in his eyes. He is just so damn tired and he misses his lover. 

'I just haven't been able to sleep well for the past few weeks. Hotel room and stuff.'

He tries to keep his voice steady. 

Sander gives him a worried look. 

'What is on your mind, baby?'

'I-' Robbe pauses for a second. This not really a topic to discuss on a video chat. 'I will tell you tomorrow.' The older boy nods slowly 'that is alright, baby.'

There is a moment of silence. 

Robbe bites his lip. He just wants to be held by his boyfriend but they can't. 

They are not really allowed to stay in the same room. The paparazzi have been following them around lately and if they Sander or Robbe at each other place or together then they are in big trouble. 

'Do you know what day it is Friday?'

Sander's voice sounds teasing breaking the tension a little bit. 

A smile appears on Robbe's face again. 'Of course, I know what day it is Friday.'

'Two fucking years already.'

Robbe bites his lip 'I can't believe it. The time fucking flew.' 

'I am so happy I found in my life.'

Sander can say those things so easily as if it is nothing. It makes Robbe's stomach feels like it is filled with butterflies. 

'I love you'

'I love you too, angel.'

They stare at each other. Sander's eyes can be so intense. Bright green filled with some golden specks. Robbe loves nothing more than to stare in his lover's eyes getting lost and forget about everything. 

'So are you going to tell me the real meaning of the name Eros?'

Robbe chuckles softly 'I told you a real meaning.' He emphasizes the a

'I want to know your real meaning.'

'Eros is the Greek counterpart of Cupido.'

'Cupido is that baby wearing a diaper and has a bow right? He shoots people with an arrow and they fall in love?'

Robbe snorts 'there is so much more to it.'

A soft smile appears on Sander's face. 'Tell me about it, baby'

'The myth of Eros and his lover Psyche is probably one of my favourite love stories in classical mythology. Eros, son of Aphrodite, was the personification of intense love desire and he was depicted throwing arrows to people in order to hit their heart and make them fall in love. Psyche, a beautiful maiden, personifies the human soul. In fact, she is the symbol of the soul purified by passions and misfortunes and who is, from now on, prepared to enjoy eternal happiness.

In the love story of Eros and Psyche which means "soul" in Greek, we can see the perseverance of a man even when he is possessed by passion and the effort of a woman to overcome many obstacles in order to achieve the happiness of love.'

Sander has closed his eyes. 'I love it when you talk about things like that.'

'What do you think of it?'

'It is fucking beautiful.'

'There is even more to the story, but I will tell you that some other time.'

'Do you think the Modest will get the underlying meaning?'

'Nah, if you google Eros you get a lot of different things. It is also a term used in philosophy.'

'You are so smart.'

'I didn't even finish school.'

Sander shakes his head 'you are one of the smartest persons I have ever met and that without finishing school.'

'Do you think I should have continued school, but like online or something?'

'Why would you have to do that?'

Robbe shrugs 'sometimes I worry about the fact that I don't have a degree.'

Sander examines the younger boy's face 'why would you worry about that? Do you know how rich we are? We could theoretically quit now and have enough money to last a lifetime.’

'I don't know Sander. Things might change in the future.'

The older boy sighs 'you are worried about people finding out.'

Robbe wants to deny it, but he really can't. The feeling of anxiety is getting bigger every single day. It feels like a storm in his brain. It's different from a headache and it feels the same as an intense sorrow, perhaps as a sort of frozen panic that he can't get rid off.

It feels like there is constant pressure on his chest and shoulders. Like is airways are being blocked. He hoped it will go over, but it only has gotten worse the past few weeks. 

Especially when he is getting yelled at by the production team. He is starting to get afraid. He is starting to overthink everything. He has been reading comments on his latest Instagram post. Most of them were lovely, but some weren't. 

It is so stupid, but he can't help it. The mean comments won't leave him alone. 

'Sander, I-'

'Let me tell you this, baby. Everything is going to be fine, no matter what happens. We have each other and we will always have each other. That is the only thing that matters. So fuck all those people that are trying to keep us apart because they are never going to win. We are going to get through this. Together as a team, as always. '

Sander face is soft and determined at the same time. His green eyes are staring straight into Robbe's soul. 

'I just wish we could do something else then just little hints that probably no one is going to get.'

'You are underestimating people. We have some smart and attentive fans.'

Sander moves to grab a drink behind him. In the process his shirt moves which cause the exposing of an inked image in the older boy's skin. 

Suddenly Robbe is reminded by an idea he had ages ago. 

A smile appears on his face. 

'What are you smiling so cute for?'

The smile on Robbe's face only gets bigger. 

'Sander, can I ask you something?'

'Anything you want, baby.'

Robbe bites his lip and shakes his head. The idea is insane, but it makes him feel something. It makes him feel powerful. It makes him feel alive again. 

'How sure are you of our relationship?'

Sander raises his eyebrow 'very sure? We are going to get married and grow old together with lots of kittens.'

'Do you feel like immortalize our love?'

The older boy gives him a confused look 'are you proposing?'

Robbe laughs out loud for the first time in days. 

'Would be a bit anti-climax, wouldn't it?'

Sander shrugs 'you never know. But what do you mean then?'

'It is a stupid idea so you are allowed to say no. It won't hurt my feeling or anything but-'

'Just tell me, love.'

'Tattoo, perhaps we can get matching tattoos.'

Sander stays silent. 

'Nothing big, I have been thinking about it for a while. I just want the letter S behind my ear or something like that.'

The other boy chuckles 'who would have thought that?'

'Is it stupid?'

'Yes it is stupid'

Robbe's face falls and he gets a weird feeling in his stomach. 

'But I am always up to do something stupid.'

A smirk appears on his boyfriend's face. 'I will think of some designs.'

'I love you'

'I love you more cutie

'Not possible'

'Oh, that is possible.'

Robbe tries to suppress a yawn but fails. His eyes have been heavy and he has tried to fight it, but he is slowly losing now. 

Sander's face turns soft. 'Why don't you go to sleep, baby?'

The younger boy nods softly and grabs his phone and lays it on the pillow next to him. 

'Can you not hang up?'

Sander gives him an air kiss through the phone. 'I won't hang up until you are asleep, angel.' The older boy also lays down on his bed. 

Robbe pulls the covers almost over his entire face. Tries to ignore the sound of the air conditioning. 

Sander places a pillow against his chest 'I miss you.'

'I miss you too.' 

'Do you think that there is a universe where we are laying in the same bed now?'

It is Sander's standard question before they fall asleep. Robbe told his lover about the multiverse theory a few days after they met. 

The older boy didn't understand at first, but Robbe explained again. 

At first, Sander had hated the theory even though he didn't admit it. 

It made Sander feel alone in the world as if nothing mattered. 

The older boy could get lost in his own thoughts easily. 

Sander had been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder when he was fifteen. 

He took medication for it and most of the times it went well, but sometimes the other boy would slip in an extreme high or an extreme low.

It was difficult when they were on tour. 

They couldn't just postpone a concert if though Robbe always fought for it. 

No, Sander was forced to perform and pretend that he had a good time. It made Robbe's blood boil with anger. 

His boyfriend was a human with feelings, not some sort of machine. 

The theory of the multiverse wasn't comforting to the older boy. 

Robbe tried to show his boyfriend the other side of the theory, tried to explain why the multiverse theory could be comforting. 

It had taken almost a year, but now it was like an inside thing between them. It gave them both comfort to think about themself in another universe. A universe where they are allowed to be themself, where they don't have to hide their relationship. 

'An infinite amount of Sanders and Robbes laying together right now. All of them are happy and at peace.'

Sander smiles and closes his eyes 'goodnight angel.'

'Goodnight Sander.'

* * *

'Robbe, what the fuck has happened to your hair?'

Milan was standing in front of him with a horrified expression. 

'Nothing?'

'That is the whole fucking problem. Now sit down please so I can see if I can control the damage.'

It was cold in the studio. Robbe was wearing a shirt and Sander's hoodie but he couldn't stop shivering. 

He felt asleep rather quickly last night but woken up two hours later. His phone had died and Sander didn't pick up again. 

So he had been all alone again. 

The restless feeling in his chest wasn't getting any less. 

Maybe he was getting ill. 

'I heard Eros was your idea?'

Milan's voice is loud but Robbe doesn't mind. He has known Milan for a long time now. 

He had lived with Milan and Zoë for a few months just before he auditioned. 

Milan had helped him a lot the past few years with.

The older man always gave good advice and understood Robbe on a level Robbe didn't even understand himself. 

Milan knew about the hidden relationship. Robbe knew the man founded it disgusting, but he tried to keep his opinion for himself. Milan didn't want to make things harder than they already were. 

'Yeah, just thought it fitted the album.' 

Robbe hates how sluggish his voice sound. 

'It sounds mysterious, erotic and hot so I am excited about the album. When is it going to be released?'

Milan was putting some substance in his hair and Robbe closed his eyes. 

He could fall asleep like this. 

'I believe in like a month of or something. We are almost done recording vocals and shit. We have a meeting with Simone later today.'

'Do you like what it is becoming?'

Robbe shrugs 'I don't know. We are working with a lot of people we have never worked with before. It feels like we don't have much say in it anymore.'

Milan nods understandably 'must suck.'

'Yeah, at least we wrote everything ourselves so that is something.'

'Hmm, you should see the outfit Noor as put together for you guys. Believe me, it is something else. '

Robbe tries to suppress a yawn 'I can't fucking wait.'

'You need to go to her now and come back to me later for make-up and shit. We are going to make you look fabulous.'

The younger boy forces a smile on his face 'thanks Milan.'

This is a day were tiredness comes in both forms, physically and mentally. All his limbs felt as if they weighed a ton and his mind wouldn't stop thinking. He tried to take a deep breath through his nose. 

Tomorrow he could sleep the whole day. 

He startled when two arms wrap themself around his waist. A trail of kisses is being placed in his neck and behind his ear. 

A soft smile appears on Robbe's face while inhaling his boyfriend's scent. 

'Hey cutie'

Sander's voice is low and hoarse which causes goosebumps appearing all over the younger boy's body. 

Robbe let his head fall back against his lover's chest. 

'Hey, Sander.'

The taller boy continues to hug his boyfriend from behind. 

'Are you excited about the photo shoot?'

'Hmm,' Robbe has his eyes closed and doesn't really listen to what his boyfriend is saying. He enjoys the strong arms wrapped around him and holding him as if this he is going to fall. 

Sander places a kiss on the back of his lover's head before turning the younger boy around. 

Robbe stands on his tiptoes to bury his face in his boyfriend's neck. 

'I missed you.'

A big hand starts to stroke his hair. 'I missed you too, cutie.'

Robbe feels like crying when Sander starts to stroke his back. Drawing circles and other small figures. The younger boy presses his eyes together and wishes for this moment to never stop. He finally feels somewhat at ease. 

'Alright love birds, I am sorry to interrupt but we have work to do.' 

Noor's voice sounds muffled behind the big pile of clothes she is carrying. 

Robbe laughs when he sees the girls staggering on her feet. He tries to untangle him from his boyfriend but the older boy won't let go of him. 

Sander presses a kiss against his cheek 'you are cute.' 

'Hmm, you are even cuter.'

'That is not possible, look at you!' 

Noor makes gag sounds. 

Sander shakes his head. 'Wait, let me help you carry all that.' The boy takes over some of the clothes and walks with big steps towards the dressing room. 

'What is the plan for the photoshoot?'

Robbe is luckily Noor is even shorter than him because there is no way he can keep with Sander fast pace. 

'It is fucking beautiful I can tell you that already.' 

'What is the colour scheme?'

Sander holds the door of the dressing room open. 

'You made it ages ago. Oh shit, I was meant to ask you that. Do you mind if we use it?'

'Would be helpful if I know what you were talking about.'

Noor drops the pile of clothes on the floor and wriggles her phone out of her jeans pocket.

'It is like a combination of a cherry red and pastel pink. A verve colour scheme. Very mysterious and also kinda slutty.' 

Robbe snorts 'slutty?'

A smile appears on Noor's face 'yeah it is very sensual. It is like baby pink and vamp mixed together. It is an odd dynamic, but it works really well together. '

'It is very masculine' Sander examines the picture on the girl's phone. 

Noor rolls her eyes when she hears the sarcastic tone 'Yeah well the management approved so fuck that.'

'What is the idea for the album cover?'

'A group photo with you all holding some symbols and stuff. Very abstract and cool if you ask me. Can you put this on me, Robbe?'

Noor throws him a black oversized hoodie with black trousers. 

'Sander your clothes are probably lying underneath Lucas his clothes. Can you also put it on? We don't have much time today.' 

'When do we ever have enough time' murmurs Robbe underneath his breath. 

Noor gives him a soft look. 'We need to hang out again. When do you guys have time?'

'Oh, that reminds me. Can you do something for us?'

The girl raises her eyebrow 'maybe?'

'Well if Sander is still okay with it-'

'I am' Sander is stumbling around with his t-shirt stuck on his head. 

Robbe sighs and goes to help his boyfriend undress. 

'We want to get a tattoo.'

'From me I suppose?'

Noor is rearranging the massive pile of clothes and putting items on coat hangers. 

'Yes, that would be nice. We will pay you of course.'

The girl rolls her eyes 'that is good to hear but do you mean like matching tattoos?'

Robbe bites his lip and nods softly. 

Noor's face falls a little 'you sure that is a good idea?'

'We are sure. The jeans don't fit by the way.' 

Sander struggles to close his zipper and the buttons of his tight jeans. 

Noor throws another black pair and some shoes towards him 'try these.'

'Okay, just tell me when so I can make sure I have a studio for us alone.'

'Maybe tomorrow? We are free then? I don't know if you can arrange a studio that quickly.'

'Yeah, tomorrow will do. I met yesterday-'

'I am sorry, I can't tomorrow.'

Sander focuses on lacing his shoes together. Not looking at Noor or Robbe. 

'Why not? We were free tomorrow?'

Sander is still busy with his shoes even though the laces are already tied up. 

'Some promo shit.' 

There is an awkward silence. All three of them knows what that means. 'What are you going to do?'

Robbe tries to keep his tone light and natural. 

'I don't really know. I believe just dinner or something like that.'

Sander looks up, his green eyes filled with pain. 'I am sorry.'

'Don't be, baby. It is not your fault.'

Robbe is proud of himself to sound so comforting and understanding. 

'Maybe we can do it Friday? As our anniversary gift?'

'It is your anniversary Friday?'

Sander nods proudly 'two fucking years together.' 

Noor smiles 'I am proud of you two. You guys have come along a way considering everything you have been through.'

Robbe stares at his boyfriend who looks incredibly sexy wearing his black boots, black jeans and a black shirt with a white-black long sleeve shirt underneath it. 'We indeed have come along way.'

Sander gives his boyfriend a wink and checks him out. 

A blush appears on the younger boy's cheek. 

'Well, you two are ready to go for the first round after you visited Milan. We take individual shots first then serval group pics. Then we change clothes and have another group photo session. Send Jens and Senne this way.'

The day doesn't seem to end. Change in different clothes, standing the same position, Luc's hair needs to be curled a little bit more, different lighting, moving around with probs, different angles, another camera, a new layer of make-up, hair in a different style. It just doesn't end. 

Robbe is even more exhausted then he already was. Luckily all the boys are in a good mood so it is kinda fun to shoot. They drive the photographer crazy, but at least they have a good time together. 

'One last shot, boys then we are finished.' 

All the band members sigh with relief. 

They go stand in their final positions, try to look as photogenic a possible. 

They don't get time to relax after the photoshoot. Amber is already waiting for them. 'Hup, hup, hup we need to go. We are already late.'

All the boys roll their eyes when they are practically beginning pushed inside the bus. 

'Well, how did it go?' 

Amber gives them an expecting look but no one responds. The girl sighs and shakes her head. 'Fine, just to let you know already. Simone likes the songs so far. Have you guys thought about which song is going to be your lead single?' 

Again, no response. 

Amber's fake smile disappears, but she finally shuts up. Robbe can't bring himself to care. 

He knows the girl is only doing her job, but sometimes she is just so annoying. 

Simone was indeed already waiting for them. Her face was neutral, her hair combed back into a tight bun, lips pressed together. 

Robbe took a deep breath. 

He despite that woman even though she was responsible for his success. 

Robbe could feel his boyfriend, who went to sit next to him, tense up. 

Sander founded it way more difficult to keep calm when talking to their boss. The boy had often heated arguments with the lady but there was nothing they could do. She was the one in charges, she pulled all the damn strings. 

Robbe stroked his lover's arm as an attempt to calm the older boy down. 

Sander gave him a wink and grabbed his hand. 

Normally they weren't a PDA couple. To be fair, they couldn't be that couple that kissed each other inappropriately in the middle of the street. 

They couldn't be that couple that would constantly hold hands. 

And it was the fault of the woman across them. 

Sander always felt the need to show Simone how happy he and Robbe were and what she did to them wouldn't break them up. 

Robbe doubted if the woman cared. He wasn't even sure that lady had feelings. 

'So, I listened to the album or at least what is already finished. Seems good to me. Good job, guys.' 

Her tone was neutral and light. Robbe could see Sander raising his eyebrow from the corner of his eye. 

'But?' 

'Nothing but. It is just good.' 

Simone took a sip of her tea. 

'So it is all good then?' Senne sounds so surprised that Robbe almost snorts. 

'Well, we need to fix some things, but for the first phase, it is all right.'

Ah, there it was. This was typical Simone there was always a catch with her. 

'Some things?' Jens sounded as sceptical as Robbe was feeling. 'We will discuss it later. She sounded so calm that Robbe only got more scared. What the hell was going on now?

'Which song do you guys want for your single? Then we can start to think about a music video.'

* * *

Robbe felt empty when he arrived back at his hotel. 

It was close to midnight and he hadn't eaten anything since a small sandwich at 3 A.M. 

There was food, but he just wasn't hungry. All he wanted to do was sleep. 

He flopped on the bed, kicking his shoes off but too tired to undress properly. He clung on the hoodie in his arms as if his life depended on it. Sander had given him his hoodie in exchange for his own one back. 

Before they said goodbye Sander had pulled him in a private room. 

Wrapping his arms around his boyfriend, a worried expression on his face. 

Robbe had just melted into his lover's touch. 

A hug was exactly what he needed. 

_ 'How are you, cutie?' _

Sander sounded unnaturally serious. 

It had made Robbe lift his head to meet his boyfriend's worried eyes. Sander never sounded serious. The older boy always knew how to make something less heavy. 

'I am fine. How are you?' 

Sander had cupped his face 'No you are not, baby. What is going?'

Robbe had closed his eyes when he felt his lover's tender touch. 

'I am just tired.'

The older boy had hummed in response and hold him even tighter. Robbe could feel the hot breath of his boyfriend in his neck. 

'I am worried about you.'

Robbe had lifted his head again. 'Don't worry about me. I am fine, I mean it.'

If his voice only had sounded a little stronger and more convincing.

'Don't do that, love. Please don't do that.'

Sander's voice was so soft and warm that Robbe felt tears burning in his eyes. 

'Do what?'

'Push me away.'

'I am not-' 

Robbe had stopped talking because he realised that was exactly what he was doing. He didn't want Sander to worry about him so he just told the older boy he was fine. 

'I am sorry.'

Sander had gently lifted his head and pressed a soft kiss against his lips. 

'Don't apology. Just tell me what I can do for you.'

Robbe started for a long time in his boyfriend's green eyes. Eyes that will always comfort him, eyes that tell a story, eyes to get lost in. 

'You do already too much for me.'

'Robbe, it doesn't work like that. There is no limit. Hey, look at me baby?'

The older boy cupped his cheek once again and pressed another soft kiss against his lips.

'I promise you that is all going to be fine.'

Robbe had buried his head in his lover's neck. 'Maybe you should talk to Lany sometimes.'

'Huh?' 

Lany was Sander's therapist who had helped him a lot over the past few years. 

'I think you need to talk to someone. You can always talk to me, but like professionally.'

The younger boy had shaken his head. 'I just feel a little down. It will be over in a few weeks.'

'Baby, you are only eighteen and look at what you have been through the past two years! You were only sixteen when you were travelling around the world, so famous you can't just go out walking on the street. You left school and your home so quickly that you barely had any time to say goodbye! And what about the fact you have to hide your sexuality? Do you know how fucked up it is that you can't be yourself? That I can't be myself? You need to talk about that with someone.'

Robbe just had stayed silent. 

'I think it would be good for you.'

'I can't speak to her about you.'

Sander had given him a soft smile. 'I talk about you all the damn time with her. She has to keep everything a secret. She signed a contract and shit. Plus she wouldn't be allowed because her job is confidentiality anyway. 

'You talk about me with her?'

Sander had snorted 'I talk about you whenever I can.'

Robbe had rolled his eyes and stood on his tiptoes to kiss the other boy. 

Sander softly pushed him in a corner and deepened the kiss. Robbe couldn't help but moan softly when he felt his boyfriend's hands roam all over his body. 

He had been annoyed when they got interrupted because the taxi's ha arrived. Sander had kissed him one last time before saying goodbye. 

It hurt Robbe to be away from Sander like this when it just wasn't necessary.

Sander had bought an apartment in L.A. a few months ago when their second tour had ended. They had spoken about the fact of moving in together, but they decided that it wasn't the time yet. 

On tour, they spent almost every minute together and they needed a break. Plus they were still so young. Robbe hadn't even turned eighteen back then. So now Robbe was sleeping in a hotel for the past month. The other members tried to convince him to buy a house or apartment for himself but Robbe couldn't do it. 

He had looked at some places online, but he didn't want to live in any of them. 

He didn't want to buy a huge home where he would live alone. Where no one would ask him how his day had been 

His home was in Antwerp. With his mama or at the flatshare with Zoë and Milan. 

Buying or renting a house seemed way grown-up for him. 

It made him feel panicked. As if someone was blocking his airways. 

So he stayed in a hotel. A very luxurious and overpriced hotel. 

It didn't feel like home at all, but that was what Robbe wanted. 

This place wasn't his home and it never would be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter three: moments  like this

Robbe knows he shouldn't be online right now. He knows it will only hurt his feelings. 

He will gain absolutely nothing from it except pain. So why does he keeps refreshing twitter? 

At moments like this, he hates himself. Why can't he move on with his day? His only free day of the week and he is laying in his bed. He should be outside. Enjoy the sun, explore the city, meet some new people. Yet he is curled up in his blankets refreshing that stupid app. 

Sander had been vague about what he was going to do with that girl. Britt Ingelbrecht, Britt fucking Ingelbrecht, a high fashion model. A beautiful girl who was extremely wealthy and famous. The type of girl that you would look twice at if you were walking down the street. 

A girl who was loved and adored by cameras, a girl who made every single person insecure by just existing. 

She also has been playing Sander's girlfriend for the past year. 

Perhaps Robbe's judgement was clouded, but he didn't like her. He had only met her two times, but that was enough. 

She was arrogant, privileged and annoying. 

Robbe knew deep down that it wasn't her fault, yet he hated her. 

Why did she cooperate with the management? Why was she willing to be a beard for Sander? 

Was the paycheck that good? 

Surely not, she was the face of multiple big brands and was in the top ten of highest-paid models in 2019. 

He refreshed his timeline, but there was nothing yet. 

Robbe sighed loudly and tossed his phone away. He probably should do something useful with his day. 

Maybe he should call Zoë and see if she was free today even though she probably would be with Senne then. 

He checked the clock it was almost one P.M what meant it was around ten P.M in Belgium. He tried to call his mom, but she didn't pick up. A big chance she was already asleep. 

What could he do? Write some songs or perhaps make some tunes? 

He picked up his notebook from his bedside table. He bit on the end of the pen and let out another sigh. This wasn't going to work, at least not today, not until he heard something from his boyfriend. 

There was too much on his mind to focus. 

He decides to put on a random Netflix series to binge. To his horror, it is filled with romantic scenes and conversations making him feel even more lonely.

Groaning with frustration, he unlocked his phone again and refreshes his timeline once more. There they were, the cute adorable couple pictures. 

The knot in throat got a little tighter when he looked at his boyfriend with his arms wrapped around some girl. There was even a picture of them kissing. 

Robbe swallowed with great difficulty. 'It is fake, it is all fake' he murmurs while scrolling through Twitter and click on some random article. 

**_Hot couple alert!_ **

_ Sander Driessen (21) and Britt Ingelbrecht (19) spotted together on a cosy and romantic date in the park.  _

_ The couple was enjoying the sun and some delicious looking meals. They went for a nice walk together and, they have never seen more in love.  _

_ The supermodel and the member of boyband 'Wandering Romance' have been dating for almost a year already. Over the past few months, there have been countless of rumours that the pair had broken up but the model debunked them with a cute Instagram picture. According to an insider, there is absolutely no reason to speculation about a break-up. 'They are constantly all over each other' and 'she means a lot to him.' _

_ And if you look at the pictures you can see it for yourself. The couple looks extremely happy together.  _

_ The pair started dating at the beginning of 2019. They met during an award show and 'it clicked between them'. _

_ According to sources Sander and Britt are looking for a place to live together here in L.A because they are both so incredibly busy. They are both constantly travelling around the world.  _

  
  


The pictures were indeed adorable. 

Robbe tried to take a deep breath and calm down, but it didn't work. 

Tears were welling up in his eyes when he stared at his boyfriend smile. 

_ 'That could have been you!' _

Robbe hated the world. Is was so extremely unfair. Why weren't Robbe and Sander allowed to go on cute dates together? Just because they were two boys? 

He couldn't help himself but breaking the number one rule of being famous, looking at the comments. 

_ \-  _ Lisa van der Weijden:  _ Aww, where do I find a boyfriend like Sander?- _

\- WRforlive:  _ 'Looking happier than never before' _ sure Jan-

_ \-  _ Lola:  _ When are they going to stop with this whole shit? Imagine how tired we are-  _

_ \-  _ Sabien: _ That is so cute🥰 I am happy for them.  _

He tries to press load more, but his screen lights up. Sander is calling him. 

Robbe feels stupid and childish but ignores the phone call. 

He can't talk to his boyfriend just yet. He needs to put himself together first. 

Robbe really tries to fight the urge to cry, but tears roll down his cheeks anyway. 

His shoulders start to shock violently. He bites his lip to try to stop making those pathetic sounds. 

Robbe can't explain what he is feeling. 

Feeling sad sounded so childish, like something flimsy, something one should be able to cast off with a happy reflection or the smile of a friend. But sad is nothing of the sort. It sits inside like the germ seed of depression, just waiting for the right conditions to grow, to send out roots to choke the hope out of your heart. It is the trough in which he struggles to return to the peak, always afraid that this time the rungs will be too slippery, too far apart or simply not there at all.

He isn't just sad. He is angry, frustrated, mad, afraid, anxious. It is all mixed together in his small body and it just needs to get out. If Robbe only knew how to do that. 

Sander tries to call him again. 

Robbe feels bad about it but he still doesn't pick up. He can't answer the phone like this. 

He pinches the bridge of his nose as an attempt to calm down. He takes a deep breath while lifting his head. Only to see his blurry reflection sitting on the big bed. All alone. 

He lowers his head again, but it is too late. A new stream of tears rolls down his cheek while his phone starts to ping. 

_ 'Hey cutie, can you call me as soon as you see this? I miss you _ 😘' 

_ 'About to hop in the shower. Will call you after that X.'  _

Robbe turned his phone after the sent that message. A shower was a perfect excuse to delay the call. 

He would have the time to come up with a story to tell about what he did today expect laying grumbling in his bed, waiting for the pictures of his boyfriend with his fake girlfriend. 

He had written down his plan. He had called his mother in the morning (technically not a lie) He had been going to the mall to get some coffee and met a nice barista. Her name was Lily and they had talked the whole afternoon (the girl in the Netflix series was called Lilly and was a barista.)

He should have known he wasn't capable of lying to Sander and on top of that, Sander way too observant. 

He called Sander after splashing some water in his face. He hoped the older boy wouldn't notice the red and puffy eyes. He turned his phone back on and read the thirsty message from Sander. 'And you won't let me watch? Rude of you.'

A blush appeared on his face while pressing the green button. 

'Hey, baby.' Robbe is proud of himself, his voice sounds normal. 

Sander gave him a soft smile. 

'Hey angel, how was your shower?'

Robbe shrugged 'boring without you.'

The older boy raised his eyebrow. 'Well, maybe you did something wrong.'

'Huh?'

The smile disappears from Sander's face 'your hair is dry, baby.'

Robbe can feel blood rushing towards his cheeks.  _ What a fucking idiot he was.  _

'Euh, yeah I blow-dried it.'

'Did you now?'

Sander sounds very underwhelmed and unimpressed. His eyebrows are standing in a worrying frown. 

'Why are you lying to me?'

Robbe decides to come clean. He got caught red-handed. 

'I was a little upset.'

His voice sounds so small and little that he wants to rip his tongue and vocal cords out. Why can't he just be a little bit stronger? Or be a better actor? 

'Baby,' Sander pauses for a second. 'Have you looked at the pictures?'

The younger boy nods while playing with a loose end of his blanket. 'I am sorry.' 

Sander sighs 'you have nothing to be sorry about. I am sorry.'

'You also have nothing to be sorry about.'

Robbe stares at the familiar wall of his hotel room. He has noticed during his stay here over the past few months that a small dent in the wall. 

He wonders how it got there. A fight? Someone had been clumsy? Some hard-core sex? A mistake in the architecture? It was thoughts like that what kept him up all night. 

He doesn't look at the phone screen until he hears a soft snob. 

Sander is softly crying. Big tears rolling down his cheeks. 

Robbe feels the muscles in his chest tense up, he hates to see his boyfriend cry. 

'Please don't be upset, baby.' The older boy laughs softly through his tears. 'So you are allowed to be upset, but I am not?'

Robbe pauses for a second. 'I don't mean it like that.'

'I know baby, I know. I am just teasing you. I don't know what else to do. This fucking sucks.'

Robbe nods softly and closes his eyes, fighting back his own tears. 

He wants to be strong for Sander. Strong for his boyfriend that is forced to kiss and hug somebody else that the older boy barely knows. 

'Fuck Robbe, can't you just come over?'

We are not allowed, we-'

'Well fuck that. I need you now.'

Sander sounds voice sounds do desperate that Robbe can literally feel his heartbreak a little. 

'You know we can't.'

The older boy sits up a little straighter. 

'Why not? I will arrange a taxi that will bring you behind the gates where no one is allowed except people who live there. I will text Amber that we are together. We have to leave tomorrow at 5 A.M. no one is going to notice, I promise.'

Robbe stays quiet for a little before nodding softly. 'Okay, I will come your way. Just give me a second to grab everything I need.'

The smile on his boyfriend's face makes Robbe feel a little lighter. 'See you soon, Cutie.' 

Sander's apartment is stunning. 

The house was welcoming from the open door to the wide hallway. Upon the walls were the photographs of the band, other musicians, Robbe, his family so obviously loved. The floor was an old-fashioned parquet with a blend of deep homely browns and the walls were the greens of summer gardens meeting a bold white baseboard.

Robbe loved his boyfriend apartment. it was a place when you stepped inside he would feel so different, a place where the lungs choose to fill a little deeper and the heartbeat a little steadier.

The house was full of details. It was clear that the older boy had put his soul in the decoration and design. 

Sander was supposed to study graphic arts at university. The boy loved to draw, paint and sketch. 

Robbe knew it was an outlet for his boyfriend. The apartment had been a project for Sander after the busy tour. He had almost painted everything and decorated it himself. 

Robbe had tried to help, but he had no artistic ability. What he did have was the skill of assembling furniture, unlike his boyfriend. They had been a good team together. 

'Hey, cutie' Sander was wearing a simple black shirt with grey sweatpants. 

Robbe bites his lip, damn that boy looked good. 

Sander took a few steps forward to fold his arms around his lover. Chest against chest. Robbe could feel the older boy's firm and warm torso and the heart that beats within. 

Sander's hands fold his hands a little tighter around Robbe's waist, drawing the younger boy closer. 

'I missed you so freaking much today.'

The voice of the taller boy is hoarse and soft. Robbe shivers in his boyfriend's arms. 

'I missed you too, baby.'

Sander pulls his head a little back to stare at his lover. 

His mouth paints a soft smile. The boy starts to stroke the brown hair, massaging Robbe's scalp who has closed his eyes. 

This moment right here. He feels like he can die in peace now. This is everything he needs. The presence of his boyfriend who will take care of him. He stands on his tiptoes to give Sander a soft quick kiss on his lips, leaning against his lover's chest, clutching the black shirt. 

Sander leans in so that foreheads are pressed together. They close their eyes. Both their breaths are shaking. 'Thank you,' Robbe says in barely more than a whisper.

'For what?' Sander replies, his voice low and husky.

'For being you, for being there for me, for existing' his voice wavers, exhilarated from the tension between them.

Robbe gently leans in and kisses Sander's warms lips once again. They pull apart and take shaky, shallow breaths. Unable to contain themselves anymore, Sander holds Robbe's head in his hands and pulls him into a fiery and passionate kiss. The older boy's hands work their way around Robbe's body, feeling each crevasse, each line along with his perfect physique, pushing the younger boy towards the couch. 

Robbe lies on his back as he pulls Sander's body on top of him. 

Sander's hands venture over his muscular body, exploring. They pull apart and open their eyes. They stare at each other, deep into each other's soul. Sander's green eyes are full of wonder and love and Robbe feels loved. He feels so loved right now. The way his boyfriend's hands are stroking him, so gentle, so tender. 

No words are spoken but a story worthy of them is communicated.

Sander leaves soft and wet kisses up and down Robbe's neck, marking his boyfriend up, who lets out little whimpers of anticipation. Sander works his way back to Robbe’s slightly parted lips while trying to get his shirt off. As they kiss the younger boy rolls him over and lies on top of his boyfriend's strong, muscular body. Robbe leaves a trail of wet kisses on his lover's neck and gives another loving and intense kiss on his lips.

The older boy lets out a soft moan while Robbe gently bites the sensitive spot underneath his boyfriend's ear. 

A big hand starts caressing his neck when Robbe makes his way down to the nipples of Sander. 

Robbe places wet kisses all over his lover's chest, softly biting and sucking until small purple bruises appear. The younger boy places his knees next to the hips of his boyfriend pressing softly down. 

Sander bites his lip while his hands make their way to his lover's hips. 

Robbe presses down again, this time with a little bit more force. 

The green eyes of the older boy roll back and a moan escapes from his lips. Robbe lets out a shaky exhale when the hips of the other boy buckle up in response. 

Sander starts tugging at the shirt of his boyfriend. 'Off, takes this off, baby.'

Robbe gives his boyfriend a teasing smile before slowly getting rid off his shirt, making sure to take his time. 

Immediately, the two hands of the older boy come up to his chest and start to trace the lines of the Robbe's collarbones.

'You are so fucking beautiful, angel.' Sander's green eyes are filled with lust and desire while he leans up to kiss his lover's chest. 

'No one is as pretty as you.' 

Robbe can feel a blush appearing on his cheek and chest. 

Sander slowly gets up so he can lean against the back of the sofa, turning them around a quarter. 

Robbe likes this position a lot. He is slightly taller than his boyfriend. Sander can kiss his chest and neck perfectly fine like this while Robbe can play with his lover's hair. 

They take their time. They make sure to worship each other bodies with so much love and tenderness that they both could burst out in tears. 

Eventually, Sander flips them over and starts to undress them further. 

Robbe let himself completely go. He just turns his brain off while receiving the love that his boyfriend gives him. 

The compliments, the gentle touches, the soft kisses, tender strokes. 

Robbe feels for the first time in weeks at ease again. 

Now he trying to catch his breath while stroking the bleached hair of his boyfriend. 

'Are you really going to cut it all off?'

His voice cracks slightly. 

'I am not allowed' Sander's voice sounds muffled but Robbe can feel his lover's lip move against his neck. 

'Huh? What do you mean?'

Sander lifts his head slightly so that they can look at each other. 

'Apparently, it is part of my image.'

'What the fuck? They don't have a say in what you do with your hair.'

'According to the contract they do.'

Robbe let his head fall back onto the handrail of the sofa. Sander gives him a soft kiss on his cheek. 

'I know baby, I know. We have to hold on for a few more years. The third album is almost going to be released and we are halfway through. We are going to make it, baby.'

Sander sounds so determined that Robbe feels a little bit more hopeful. He had done this for some time now and he had almost done half of it. 

They were still together. Perhaps they could make it. Only three of four years more. What were three of four years on a lifetime? 

* * *

Robbe didn't mind travelling. Well, he didn't mind travelling with his boyfriend next to him. 

The sky was still dark all though there were already some orange and pink shades colouring the sky. The birds were slowly waking up with while whistling. 

Robbe's eyes were still kinda stuck together. He was holding his boyfriend hand while waiting for the ride. His head leaning on his lover's shoulder. 

Sander pressed a kiss against the younger boy's forehead. 

The way they travelled had been upgraded during the past few years. First, they were all crammed together in a small old bus with no air conditioning while now they were being picked up individuality and all got their own car. Well, now they didn't because Robbe and Sander got into the same car but the boy didn't mind. 

He could lean on his boyfriend's shoulder while Sander had wrapped his arm around him. 

Snuggling together, sharing an airpod to listen to music together, trying to sleep a little bit more. 

Robbe also didn't mind the tour bus. It was one of the only places, except their homes, where he could be himself without looking for his shoulder. He could hug, kiss, play fight, tickle, stare at his boyfriend without worrying. 

He and Sander could sleep in the same small bed every night. 

The tour bus was a safe place. 

A place where they could escape reality so Robbe was exciting to start touring again even though touring was exhausting. 

You never stayed long at the same place. Different cultures and language every single night. Sometimes it was hard to keep up where they were. They were being lived on tour. 

After the concert was done they went straight to the tour bus to travel further. 

Sometimes they would get a day off and that is when they got to explore the country where they were.

That was Robbe's favourite side thing of touring. 

Touring was also a way to thank the fans for everything, to do something in return.

Robbe could be a shy and introverted person, but not when he was on stage. 

On stage, he felt powerful as if he could take on the world. There was no better feeling than standing in front of a crowd that was singing along to your self-written song. 

Sometimes Robbe got extremely mad at the management because they took that feeling away from him. 

There was that voice in his head saying that this all wouldn't happen if the fans knew what he really was. 

That he was lying everything he song the word girl. 

Robbe wishes that he could be himself. The desire got stronger by the day, but there was nothing he could do yet. 

So, for now, he let himself daydream about a universe where everything was exactly the same except the fact that he was out of the closet. A universe where he Sander could kiss each other on stage. A universe where they could talk about the true meaning for their songs. 

Robbe can't help but smile. 

Perhaps one day that will be his universe as well

* * *

'Okay, you guys are a 100% sure?'

Noor puts on the plastic glove with a loud smack. 

Sander gives his boyfriend who is laying down in the chair teasing smirk. 'We are sure.' 

'Why do you have to get two? Why don't you just start off with one first?'

Robbe gives the girl a soft smile. 

'Well, we couldn't choose so yeah.'

Noor rolls her eyes. 

'Okay, so you want a small S behind your left ear and a lock on your the side of your right index finger?'

Robbe nods enthusiastically. He has been wanting a tattoo since forever and now he is finally going to do it. 

Noor turns around on her stool to face the other boy. 

'You want an R behind your left ear and a key on your right index finger?

'Yes, madame' Sander gives the girl a wink. 

'You guys are so cliche, but alright let's do it.' 

Sander gets a little closer to the chair. 

'You scared baby?'

His smile is teasing and his eyes are twinkling. 

'Phff, I am not scared. You have already a ton of those and if you can do it so can I.' 

Sander starts to stroke his legs lightly 'Of course baby, but just to let you know, you are allowed to be scared.'

Robbe rolls his eyes, but the smile doesn't disappear from his face.

'You ready?' 

He nods his head while tensing his muscles. 

Noor moves his ear back and shakes her head. 

'Seriously? Are you guys like vampires or something?'

Sander snorts and gives his boyfriend a soft pad on his brown curls. 

It doesn't hurt that bad. Robbe feels barely anything. It feels like as if something is pricking his skin maybe scratching. It is a bit sensitive, but he doesn't mind it. 

Noor is a very experienced tattooer so the first one doesn't even take ten minutes. 

Robbe is happy with the end result. The tattoo behind his ear is barely noticeable but he loves it. He loves that only Sander (and Noor) know about the tattoo. 

The lock on his finger is simple but beautiful. Sander had drawn it. 

Robbe loved the lock immediately so that was an easy decision. 

He tried not to think about what his mother would say about it. 

He waits impatiently for his boyfriend who is next. He feels suddenly the urges to give his lover the anniversary present. It was a simple gift, but that was okay. 

They had agreed that they wouldn't give each other expensive gifts. They didn't need that at all. 

Both of them were rich and they conclude pretty quick that the simple meaningful present meant a lot more. 

Sander often gave him a drawing or painting. Robbe had a whole collection back in Antwerp. 

Robbe had made this present also himself ages ago when he was in Antwerp with his mother. 

His mother made jewellery as a hobby and a distraction from her thoughts. He had learned Robbe how to shape certain charms or who to carve in metal. 

It was a simple black leather bracelet with silver metal. 

Robbe had carved the date of their anniversary in it in Roman numerals.

He had worried about the fact that Sander wasn't allowed to wear it (yes so far did the management go) but then he realised that the date was also the date they went through to the live shows. Nobody would link it to Robbe. 

Sander's eyes were practically shining when he opened the white box when they returned back home with plastic behind their ears and around their fingers. 

'I thought we had agreed no gifts' murmurs the older boy against the lips of his boyfriend. 

'Well, you are a gift to me so I thought it would be fair.'

Sander snorts and ruffles the younger boy's hair. 

'I love it, thank you, baby. Can you put it on me?' 

Robbe locks the bracelet around his boyfriend's wrist and places a soft kiss on the inside of the older boy's wrist. 

'I also have a small present for you.'

Robbe rolls his eyes. 'I thought we had agreed to no gifs? Sander nudges him while he gets off the sofa. 'Well, this present is also kinda for me so yeah.'

The boy returns with a big box later. Robbe raises his eyebrow. 

'First, you have to promise that you will be honest.'

'Just give it to me.' Robbe reaches out the box, but Sander pulls it away 'First you have to promise me.'

The younger boy rolls his eyes. 'Fine, I promise I will be honest.' 

Sander bites his lip 'alright, I couldn't really wrap it, but happy anniversary anyway.' 

He carefully places the box on to Robbe's lap whose mouth falls open. 

In the box lays the most adorable tiny ginger kitten, curled up with some blanket, eyes closed. 

'Sander, I-'

'You can be honest, baby.' 

Robbe doesn't know what to say. He slowly picks up the cat out of the box and places it on his lap. 'Is it a boy or a girl?'

'A girl, she doesn't have a name yet.' 

Robbe starts to softly pet the head of the kitten who starts to purr. 

'I have checked with your hotel and it is was okay. I just think that it is good for you too have a buddy with you. You can also take her on tour and stuff.'

Robbe still doesn't know what to say. Tears well up in eyes. Sander knows him so well. 

'I just figured that you miss home a lot and she can keep you company when I can't. I have bought everything you need and she has already been to the vet. She has to go again in a few weeks, but-'

Robbe cuts his boyfriend off by kissing him. 

'I don't know what to say.' His voice is slightly trembling. 'Thank you so much.'

A soft smile appears on Sander's face. 

'I know I didn't ask you, but I know you love cats. I also can take care of her if it doesn't work out so please don't worry about that.'

'Do you want her?'

Sander shakes his head 'She is yours and I am just the co-parent.'

Robbe snorts and gives his boyfriend another kiss. 

'She is so cute.'

'She reminds of you.' The green eyes are twinkling with excitement. 

Robbe laughs softly while slowly holding up his kitten who slowly opens her small eyes. 

Moments like this make everything they endure worth it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Also, I am halfway through chapter four and shit is about to go down so I am sorry if this was a bit of a boring chapter (or enjoy the happiness well it last)


	4. Chapter four: I am done trying

Sander was going to kill Noor. 

A slow and painful death seemed fitting for what she had done to him. 

Why on earth would she make that decision? Did she want to torment him that badly? 

What had he done to her to endure this? 

Why would she put Robbe in that baby pink hoodie? 

It was so completely unfair that he couldn't touch his boyfriend until after the interview. 

Sander couldn't concentrate on the conversation his bandmates were having with the host of some sort of talk show. 

No, his attention was completely focused on the youngest member of the band, Robbe Ijzermans. 

The boy was always stunning and beautiful, but that pink hoodie was something else. Robbe looked extremely attractive. His skin looked tanner, the brown curls stood, but mostly the beautiful eyes. 

Robbe looked like he walked straight out of the cover of a high fashion magazine. Sander just couldn't stop staring. 

Luckily, his boyfriend was sitting close to the host, so it probably wouldn't look weird. 

Robbe was giggling about something funny the host said and, his own corners of the mouth went up unconsciously. 

He loved seeing his boyfriend laugh. 

It still gave him butterflies in his stomach. 

Sander wanted this interview to be over so that he could kiss his lover senseless.

He was startled when Senne nudged him

The host and the rest of the band were staring at him. Fuck, what was the question? 

He gave his bandmates and confused look,  _ Someone help me.  _

'Someone zoned out for a bit. It is a new sofa, it is very comfortable right?' 

The host gives him a wink while the audience laughs. 

'I asked how things with Britt were.' 

Sander still staring at his boyfriend wearing that pastel hoodie answers without thinking. ´Britt who?'

An inaudible gasp goes through the band. Senne nudges him again and suddenly it feels like someone poured a bucket of ice water over him. Fuck Fuck Fuck, this is fucking live-tv. 

'Britt your girlfriend?'

The host raises his eyebrow. Sander shakes his head trying to think of a way to fix this. 'Don't mind him, we have been written songs together almost until morning. He just isn't awake yet.'

Jens gives him a slap that is slightly harder than necessary. 

'Writing already? The album just came out? Is that a hint for a fourth album?' 

The audience starts to scream enthusiastically and Lucas takes over the conversation to draw the attention away from Sander, but all the boys know it is too late already. 

Sander is going to get murdered after this interview. 

Robbe gives him a worried look and the older boy tries to give him a smile. 

It feels like his face is stuck. 

He is screwed, he is so fucking screwed. He didn't dare to look behind the camera's to see a reaction from Amber or who the hell was over there. 

He cursed underneath his breath. Things were going so damn well. The management finally backed off a little and now he had ruined for him and Robbe. 

Sander tried to think of something to say during the interview that could save him, but nothing came to his mind. 

He swallowed heavily when the host ended the interview. 

All the boys gave the host a handshake before going off the stage.

Amber was already waiting for him. 

'Mic off and you come with me.'

Robbe grabbed his hand 'I will come with you.'

Sander shook his head and looked around the hallway, there was no there expect Amber and the rest of the band. 'Not necessary, I am going to be fine. Right, Amber?' 

He gave the blond girl an intense look but she just stared without saying anything back. 

Sander nodded softly, okay he really fucked up. 

Robbe gave him a worried look. 'Will come with you anyway. '

Amber shook her head 'you have to get change. Like the rest of you guys, the tour rehearsal begins in an hour. Sander, come on.'

She left the hall in great strides. 

Sander gave Robbe a quick kiss and touched the soft fabric of the beautiful pink hoodie. 'Ask Noor if you can keep that hoodie.'

Robbe raised his eyebrow, but Sander had already turned around. 

He heard his boyfriend whisper a soft 'good luck' that made him shiver. 

He followed the blond girl through what felt like a maze. 'You wait here, they will call you in soon. Your microphone is off right?' The boy nodded slowly. 

'I have to go now' she opened her mouth but closed it again. Something changed in her face but she had turned around and marched out of the hallway before Sander could say anything. 

Sander sighed and leaned against the wall. 

A muscle twitches involuntarily at the corner of his right eye, his mouth formed a rigid grimace. He folded his arms tightly across his chest, tapping his foot furiously. 

Sander wasn't scared of the management, they needed him harder then he needed them but he was scared of how far they would go. How far they would go to mess his relationship with Robbe even further up. 

It was his one weakness and they knew how to use it. 

He just didn't want Robbe to get hurt again. 

His boyfriend finally started to smile again. 

Robbe had been feeling down the past few months. Sander had to pull some serious strings to get his lover talking.

They had agreed that he also would visit Lany. 

In the beginning, it didn't really work. Robbe founded it difficult to talk, something Sander knew everything about but Lany managed to break down the walls of the younger boy. 

Sander could see it was helping his boyfriend. The boy laughed a lot more, made more jokes, had more energy and just seemed happier. 

It was a weight of Sander's mind. He had been really worried about his boyfriend. He had been worried about his lover's mental health but also his physical. Robbe didn't eat when he was stressed and let's just say the boy was stressed twenty-four seven. The younger boy lost a lot of weight and the bags underneath his eyes got more intense. 

Sander felt helpless when he couldn't help his boy. 

The boy who always helped him, who was always there for him, who always made him smile, who was his light in the dark.

Sander pinched the end of his nose. If the management would try something to fuck them up again, he swore to God he would riot. They could do what they wanted to him, but they had to stay away from Robbe.

Suddenly a door was thrown open next to him, startling him. 

Sander sighed before walking in. 

He wasn't in the mood to get yelled at. 

Simone of all people was sitting behind the desk. 

Sander had to fight the urge to roll his eyes. That woman will make this ten-time bigger than it really is. 

'Sit down, Sander' her neutral voice gives him goosebumps. 

He hated that voice. 

'You have a very simple task.' 

Her eyes are narrowed together. 

'Why do you fail to succeed it?'

Sander takes a deep breath to control his anger. Shouting is not going to change anything. 

'I don't know, I wasn't paying attention.'

The woman chuckles and shakes her head.

'Oh Sander.' 

Her tone is mocking and the boy grabs his armrest tightly. 

'I am sorry.' He clenches his jaw and takes another deep breath. 

His voice is shaking with anger. 

'I am sure you are, but you understand that there are consequences, right?'

'Can you stop talking to me like a child?'

'Can you stop acting like one?'

'Oh, fuck off'.'

Sander was just done, he was completely and utterly done with that woman. 

Simone raised her eyebrow, clearly waiting for another apology she was never going to get. 

She took a sip of her tea. 

'Well alright, do you want to know the consequence?' 

_ No. _

'Yeah, sure.'

'We have to wait to see how this lands with the public. Perhaps there is no need for a lot of damage control, but I do think we need to get Robbe a girlfriend.'

Sander let his face fall in his hands and starts to rub his face. 

'That is not fair.'

'Why not?'

'He did nothing wrong, he shouldn't be the one to get punished.'

Simone chuckles again 'That is true, but I think you know why he needs to get a girlfriend.'

Sander lifts his head to stare at the woman across him. 'Why? The rumours have died down a little?'

'I think you know what I mean.'

Sander groans in frustration 'no I don't know what you fucking mean.'

An understanding but ominous smile appears on the woman's face. 'I think there is a reason why you are the one with a girlfriend.' 

It feels like someone has punched him in the face and his heart starts to beat faster. 

'He is gay, he isn't attracted to girls.'

'But that isn't the only reason, right?'

Sander wants to slap the smile off her face. 

'Don't talk about things you know nothing about.'

'Oh, believe me, I know about everything. Do you think I don't know the real meaning about the name of the album? Do you think I don't know about your matching tattoos? Do you think I don't notice the little acts of rebellion? Do you think I don’t notice the messages in your songs?'

Sander bites his lip so hard he can taste blood. 

'But back to the topic. The reason why you are the one with a girlfriend is that you can't stand the idea of seeing Robbe with someone else. You would rather die than see your boyfriend kiss somebody else. That is the reason why you were the one that sacrificed himself, not because you don't want him to endure it.

You are being selfish and you know it deep down. You don't really care that you have to kiss Britt. Maybe you even enjoy-'

Sander stood up out of the chair and slammed his fist on the table. 

He points his finger towards the lady. 'Don't you fucking dare.'

Simone rolls her eyes 'sensitive topic apparently.'

'Just fuck off already. You leave Robbe alone.'

'Okay.'

Sander let his arm drop 'okay?'

'But then you have to propose to Britt, preferably in public.'

His mouth falls open. She had to be kidding. It was worse enough that he had a fake relationship, but that was still explainable to his family and friend. How was he going to explain he was going to get married to some girl they had never met? His close family obviously knew, but most of them didn't. 

On top of that, how was he going to explain that to the world when the contract ended? 

_ Yes, I just proposed to her, because the label made me do it.  _

'I am not doing that.'

'You have no choice.'

'What are you going to do? I can just accidentally slip something out again.'

Sander wasn't thinking clearly anymore. He was seeing red with anger. He was looking for a fight. What was that woman going to do? It was time that she realised she didn’t hold all the cards.’

'We are going to threaten? We can do that as well. We have a ton of unrealised pictures of you and Britt backstage.'

'What are you going to do with them? Send them to the press? Be my guest, I don't give a shit.'

'Well, I was thinking of sending them to Robbe, but the press is also a good idea.'

This woman was pure evil. Sander had no other words for it. 

He knew exactly which pictures the woman was talking about. They were some slightly inappropriate pictures that were supposed to get 'leaked'. 

Robbe didn't know they existed and Sander would like to keep it that way. 

He still felt ill when he thought about making them. 

He had showered for hours. 

'So now you are blackmailing me'

'I wouldn't call it blackmailing. Robbe and you are so strong and so close together, right? Surely you have told him about the pictures.'

There was no way out. That woman proved once again that she was in charge and he could do absolutely nothing about it. 

'I guess someone will arrange the proposal?'

His voice sounded defeated and a smile appeared on the woman's face. 

'Of course, now you have to leave otherwise you will be way too late for your rehearsal.'

Sander couldn't move just yet. White knuckles from clenching her fist too hard, and gritted teeth from the effort to remain silent

'Why are you doing it? Do you hate gay people that much?'

The face of the woman changed but within a second her face to being an iron mask. She took a sip of her tea. 

'Oh honey, one day you will perhaps understand how show business works.'

* * *

Saying Robbe was worried was an understatement. 

Sander arrived almost an hour late to rehearsal with red and puffy eyes. He didn't look once at Robbe. The boy kept his head down and only responded with nods.

This wasn't like Sander at all. 

The older boy had even hidden in the bathroom during the break. 

Robbe could tell that the other boys were worried as well, but they didn't say anything. 

They were now trying on clothes for the tour with Noor who was also helping the other boys in different changing rooms. 

Sander still hadn't said anything. 

Robbe couldn't ignore the brick in his stomach any longer. 

He flopped down on the sofa across his boyfriend. 

'What is going on, baby?'

Robbe grabbed the hand of his lover. 

Sander still didn't look at him. 

'I fucked everything up.'

'Hey, don't stay that. We are going to be alright.'

Robbe moved his thumb over the soft skin from his boyfriend. 

'I have to propose to Britt apparently.'

A kick in his gut would probably have hurt less. 

'You have to do what?'

'You heard me.'

Sander tone is bitter. 

'They can't make you do that. It isn't in the contract.'

'They are blackmailing me.'

Sander finally lifts his head, tears in his green eyes. 

'With what?'

'Pictures of Britt and me.' 

Robbe let go of his boyfriend's hand and moves a little back. 

'What do you mean with that?'

'Not what you think. They made us do some weird photo session together and the pictures were supposed to get leaker but Britt's management stopped it. They would touch her imago, they threatened to send the pictures to you if I didn't propose to Britt.'

'Why didn't you tell me about that photo session?'

Robbe bites his lip. He tries to remind himself that it isn't Sander fault, but he can't help feel a little mad at the older boy. 

'I didn't want to hurt your feelings.'

'Sander, don't you think they would have hurt my feelings more if they just came out of nowhere?' 

The older boy doesn't respond. He keeps staring at his armband he got from Robbe a month ago. 

'Baby, you need to talk to me about stuff like that. If we start to keep secrets from each other then we let them come between us.'

'I know.'

Robbe joins his boyfriend on the couch, pulling Sander towards him. 

The older boy buries his face in his lover's neck. 

'There is more I need to tell you, but we can do that better at home.'

The knot in Robbe's throat got tighter again. 

He tried to swallow, but it felt like he was being choked. 

'Ah,' his voice sounded like a squeak

Sander holds Robbe's hand a little tighter. 

Robbe could feel fingernails digging into his skin. 

'We can leave in like half an hour.'

'I have to take a taxi then.'

Sander rolls his eyes with frustration. 'Fuck all of that Robbe. We are leaving together. It is bullshit that you have to take a taxi to head to the same place I go to.'

A weak smile appeared on the older boy's face. 

'Think about the environment, Robin.'

Robbe chuckles and presses a kiss against the hand of his boyfriend. 

They sit in silence until they both startled after a loud meow. 

A very demanding not-so-small- kitten anymore jumps on both their laps, pushing her head rather aggressive against their legs. 

The cat paints a ray of sunshine all over their faces.

Robbe leans down to press a soft kiss against the soft fur of the beautiful kitten laying on his lap. 

She purrs loudly when Sander starts to stroke her head. 

The older boy snorts 'such an attention hoe.'

Robbe nudges him 'don't say that.'

A teasing smile appears on Sander's face. 'Are you afraid that it will hurt her feeling?'

'She has feelings, Sander!'

The taller boy kisses his boyfriend temple.

'Are you hungry, baby?'

'Yes, I am- 

'Amora, Sander, I am talking to Amora.'

The older boy pouts 'I used to be your baby.'

Robbe's heart was so full with love that it felt like he could combust any second. He pushed away his worries for a second and tried to enjoy the moment. 

'I still think bowie would have been a better name for her. She is a badass and she is ginger for fuck sake.'

Robbe rolls his eyes 'I was allowed to choose and not everything has to revolve around David Bowie, you know?'

Sander places a hand over his chest. 'You are trying to tell me that the world doesn't revolve around David Bowie?'

The younger lifts one eyebrow and gives his boyfriend a teasing smile. 

'A shame, the world be such a better place.'

They stare for a while at the beautiful kitten laying in both their laps, softly purring. Robbe snuggles a little closer to his boyfriend, laying his head on the older boy's shoulder. 

Sander presses another kiss on his temple. 

'I love you'

'I love-'

'For fuck sake, boys. I have been gone for almost half an hour and you guys have done absolutely nothing? Not even tried one outfit on?' 

Noor looks so angry to Robbe quickly stands up. Amora jumps indignant of his lap, loudly meowing. 

Sander quickly lifts her up to show her to Noor. 

'Sorry, we had other obligations.'

A not so genuine smile appears on the girl's face. 'Very funny, now please hurry up so that we can move on already.'

* * *

'Should we order something in?'

Sander is already scrolling through his phone. 

'Pizza? Chinese? Fries? Just a hamburger? Maybe sushi?'

'I am not that hungry, but you can order something.'

The older boy snorts 'so you can steal all my food? Nah baby, what do you want?'

'I want to talk first. You had to tell me something, remember?'

Robbe can't shake the anxious feeling of his shoulders. It has been bothering him the entire afternoon. 

Sander licks his lips and sits behind the kitchen table. 

'They gave me another option as well.'

'Another option than marrying Britt?'

'Proposing to Britt, alright? Just a fake proposal.'

'What is the other option.'

Sander sighs loudly and presses his forehead against the table. He murmurs something inaudible. 

'Huh?'

The boy whispers something again. 

'Sander for fuck sake just tell me.'

'They suggest to get you a girlfriend.'

Robbe sighs loudly, it was only a matter of time. 

'Sander, that is a way better option. Do you know what a proposal means? Fake relationships are something we can explain later, but an actual proposal? I don't know how to do that. You realise that it will be all over the news right? Especially because you two are so young and not that long together. How am I meant to explain that my family?'

Sander keeps his head. 'You are not attracted to girls.'

'Yes, I am aware of that. I am sure I can pull it off. I have been pretending to be straight for two years already.'

Suddenly Sander stands up and slams his fist on the table that squeaks loudly. 

'I don't want to see you kiss or hug anybody else!'

Robbe snorts and rolls his eyes. 

'So you don't trust me?'

'Of course, I trust you, but you can't blame me for not wanting you to kiss somebody else.'

'Well, I don't want to see how you get engaged to somebody else!'

'That means nothing.'

'It does to me, Sander!'

Both boys had raised their voices and were breathing heavily. 

'Sander, it is only for a few more years. You said it yourself, we are already halfway through. We can do it!'

Robbe tried to reach out to his lover, but the older boy pulled back. 

'Is it really going to be a few years more?'

'What do you mean? 

Sander took a deep breath. 'After the contract ends, what happens then?'

Robbe shrugs 'I don't know, we will handle that as the moment arrives.'

The older boy starts to bite his nails. 'We have to think about the future of the band.'

'What are you saying?'

Suddenly Sander starts to shout. 'I don't think we will ever be able to be to together without it being a secret!'

Robbe pulls his hand back, ‘what?’

The older boy shakes his head. 'We need to sign a new contract somewhere after this one is over.'

'And you don't think that is possible?'

Robbe tries to contain his shaking voice. 

'Well, I think we have to consider the fact that it is going to be slightly more difficult.'

'Why?'

'We are not allowed to perform in some countries anymore.'

Robbe is speechless. His boyfriend sounds exactly as the management. 'Since when do we care about that?'

'We don't, I just try to say-'

Sander stops talking and stares at the table. 

'What are you trying to say?'

'We have to consider that our popularity probably will die done if you and I announce that we are in a relationship. I mean most of our fans are teenage girls who are in love with us and what about the fact we have lied and denied for years?'

'So we are going to pretend for the rest of our lives?'

Robbe feels numb from the inside. Sander is exactly saying what Robbe has been fearing the whole past two years. 

'I mean you can come out and stuff after the contract. We can also stop with fake relationships, but I don't think it is smart to tell people we are dating. We are not lying, just not telling the truth.'

Robbe bites his lip so hard he tastes blood. A blush appears on his face and he wants to crawl in some blankets. 

For some reason, he feels ashamed. 

It hurts him badly to hear Sander say those words. 

'But I thought we- I thought we would survive this contract and then we would be free forever?'

'I am sorry, Robbe but we have to think about the rest of the band.' 

'So this is it then? We are going to live our lives pretending to be someone we really aren't?'

This time Sander tries to reach out to him. 'I know it sounds bad, but you have to understand that this is my dream, my passion. It is not like I don't want to be with you anymore.'

Robbe pulls his hand back. 'So this isn't my dream then?'

'Not in the same way I guess.'

Words flew from Robbe’s mouth that he never thought he would even think, let alone say out loud. He knew instantly from the look in the other boy's eyes that they'd hit their mark. In that instant, their relationship shattered into glassy shards. Nothing would ever be the same again.

Sander's shoulder fell while he stared Robbe, green eyes filled with tears. Underlip trembling as he stood up and walked out of the living room, smashing the door behind him.

This argument grew from nowhere into a tornado. 

Robbe pinched his nose while tried to fight back his own tears.

There are times his brain just fries up. It's no excuse he knows that. He is responsible for his behaviour, but sometimes a trigger is flicked and all the boiled up emotions leave his body in a stream of harsh words he would have never said if he was thinking clearly. The emotions take over and he back away, flee or strike out at someone who loves him. 

In these moments Robbe is the least proud of who he is. 

He always tries to be strong, especially after his dad left him and his mother a few years ago. 

He tries to be strong, to be the adult he needs to be but Robbe is aware of the fact that he is still a child deep down. A frightened child, damaged and afraid. Hiding from the dark waiting for the next fall out or step back. 

Robbe has tried to get over himself countless times before, but he too afraid. 

He bottles everything up and sometimes it just gets out in a harsh way to people who don't deserve it. 

He has been able to function the past years, function enough to be considered normal. To make sure no one knows how fucked up he really is. 

He has been stable many years, caring for others, pouring out love without measure, yet never knowing how to ask for it. Luckily he had met Sander who would give it without request.

It was the only medicine that kept his fractured soul of him together and now he had fucked it. 

He had hurt the only person in the world that truly cared for him. Sure there were enough people who loved him, but no one knew the real him except for Sander. 

No one loved him for his true self. They only loved the fake version of Robbe. 

The Robbe who would take care of everyone, the one who would always smile, the strong one, the one that didn't exist. 

He wanted to scream. 

* * *

He didn't leave his room for three days. He wrote Sander a long apology letter and took Amora. 

He checked out at the hotel and booked a flight back to Belgium. 

Robbe was doubting if he should crash at his mother's place, but he decided she would only worry about him. 

He booked a hotel just out of Antwerp and to pay a lot of extra money to let Amora stay with him. 

His phone had died on the flight and Robbe still hadn't charged it. 

He wasn't planning on doing it any time soon. 

Amora was the only thing that made him feel slightly alive. She was the reason he got out of bed for only a few seconds because she needed to eat. 

The hotel room was big and had a lot of rooms, but Amora stayed at his side for the whole three days. 

Cuddling him, softly purring as she tried to snuggle in his neck. 

Robbe couldn't stop crying. 

She would try to lick away his tears which painted a soft smile on his face. 

He tried not to think about the damage he had done. The tour was about to start in four weeks, they had countless of interviews planned and a lot of promos to do. 

He was going to get killed but he didn't care. He just didn't care anymore. 

They could do whatever they wanted, but he was done. 

He was never going back. He was never going to face Sander, Amber, Simone or whoever. He would simply disappear. 

Robbe tried not to think of his fans. The fans that had supported him the whole time.

He tried not to think about the rest of the band and how much trouble he had caused them. Enough was enough.

Robbe just couldn't take it anymore. He had three panic attacks during his stay the new hotel. Panic attacks were something new for him. He thought he was dying the first time he got one. 

Amora kept meowing and tried to climb on his lap. 

It was the only thing that grounded him a little. 

He couldn't believe that no even a week ago, he was at the release party of their album. 

It all felt like a fever dream. Did everything really happen? 

The regret would come to him in quiet moments, such as when he was trying to sleep or when he got up to the bathroom. It would seep to the foreground of his mind and demand to be re-examined again. The sadness in his ex-boyfriend's eyes, the fans who he had let down. But he was tired of thinking about it, no amount of analysis was going to turn back the clock. He had to get on with the here and now, make better choices next time around. It was better this way for both of them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay but imagine Robbe wearing pastel coloured in season 4.


	5. Chapter five: In this universe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, there was some confusion about what Robbe said to Sander. I let it out on purpose because it will be worked out this chapter. Sorry if it was difficult to read because of that!

The only time Robbe could really sleep was when he was truly exhausted. When he felt the tiredness in his chest, in how he breathed and his thoughts dragged by in slow motion, then he would slink to a quiet spot and curl up. 

On good days he would get five hours, on bad days not even two. Should he doze later on he would wake as soon as sleep came, always as fast as if a gunshot had been fired, heart beating fast and breathing as if he had just surfaced from deep water as if he had been drowning. 

His dreams were filled with dark images and endless running. 

In short, Robb was exhausted. 

He hadn't seen daylight in weeks. He wasn't sure how long it had been.

There was no need for him to leave the hotel room. The staff would bring food for him and Amora. 

Most of the times he barely ate any of it. 

Robbe wasn't stupid, he knew he was depressed and that he probably should get help, but the thought of talking about his feelings made him want to throw up. 

He didn't want someone to tell him that everything was going to be alright because nothing was going to be alright. 

Robbe felt dead on the inside. He didn't try to fight it. 

Depression is the unseen, unheard, silent killer. It's the pain that's too much to cope with, too hard to deal with and so misunderstood. You can't escape it no matter how hard you try, because it follows you around like a black shadow that's on the inside, eating you.

It was the best to give in. Perhaps one day he will have the energy to face reality again, just not right now. 

Sometimes he would open his curtain and stare outside. 

the weather was varied. There had been this storm a few days ago. 

The kind of storm where it was dangerous to go outside. Where it was raining so hard you barely could see a thing. 

He had opened the door from the balcony and closed it behind him. 

It had been the first time he had felt alive in weeks. Seeing a bright light flash followed by the sound of thunder. 

Robbe loved it. 

As a kid, he had been afraid of it. He would knock softly on his parent's door, hoping they would let him sleep between them. It was the only thing that would make him feel safe, but as soon as the marriage of his parents started to fall apart, he was no longer welcome. He had 'to grow up' according to his dad. 

Robbe remembers running back to his own room and slamming the door behind him. Trying to shut everything out. 

He had grabbed all his stuff toys and had made a fort in his bed. He would grab his favourite book and a torch to distract himself. It always worked. The book was so magical that he would get completely lost in it.

It was a stupid children's book and Robbe didn't even remember the name, but he wishes for that book right now. 

A way out of reality. 

There was something loud going on in his dream. 

He was sitting in a closet hiding from something, but he hadn't had a clue for what. 

The closet was dark and suffocating. 

Suddenly something was banging on his door making his jump. 

He closed his eyes even tighter and held his breath. If he was just quiet it would go away. 

It didn't go away, it only got louder. 

Robbe shut his eyes even tighter and held his hands over his ears. 

Just ignore it, it will go away. 

His heart was beating fast in his chest. He tried to steady his breathing, but fear got in the way. 

The person banging on his door was going to get him. 

He wanted to scream for help, but he didn't know how to make any sounds. 

The banging got more intense. 

He couldn't feel his legs anymore because he was sitting so cramped. There was no way he was going to escape. He swallows, his chest was rising and falling down quickly. 

His sight got blurry and he could feel sweat dripping down his face. 

'Sir? Can you please open up?'

Robbe is paralyzed for a few seconds as he wakes up. 

He can't move his arms or legs.

Amora is softly licking his face. Her rough tongue is kinda itchy. 

He squeezes his eyes together and tries to get up to answer the door. His shirt sticking to his back. 

He ruffles through his hair but avoids looking into the mirror. He is probably looking like a fucking mess. 

Was it dinner time already?'

He opened the door a crack. A young clearly uncomfortable girl was standing in front of him. 

She nervously licked her lips. 'The police is waiting for you downstairs, sir.'

It took some time to process the message. He blinked slowly and stared at the girl. 

'Sorry, what?'

'The police? They are waiting for you downstairs so if you could come with me that would be wonderful.'

A cramped smile appeared on her face. 

'Oh, euhh can you wait for three seconds so I can get changed?'

The girl nods and takes a step back from the door. 

Robbe starts to rub his eyes. What the fuck? What did the police want from him? Was the management that pissed off? Did he have to go to jail?

He tried to search for a clean shirt, turns out he didn't have one so he just picked a hoodie from the ground, splashed some water in his face and made his way back to the door until he suddenly heard a loud miaow. 

Amora had jumped off the bed and tilted her head. 

Robbe took his cat. 

If he had to go to jail Amora was coming with him. 

The lift ride was just awkward. The girl stood far away from him. Robbe didn't like the lift. It was filled with mirrors which made him extremely dizzy. 

He tried to stare at the ground and ignore his overwhelming surroundings. 

The lobby is even worse. 

Robbe hasn't left his room in weeks, almost never turned on a light. The lobby is light and you can hear people talking loudly to each other. 

Amora curls up in his arms. 

The girl leads him to some door behind the reception. 

Two police officers are standing next to an elderly looking woman. 

They turn their heads as soon as Robbe walks in. 

'Robbe Ijzermans?'

The male officer lifts his eyebrow. Robbe slowly nods, waiting for an explanation. Maybe there is something going on with his mother. 

He can feel his stomach acid rise. 

'Three weeks ago you have been reporting missing. We have been looking for you. Can you tell us what has happened?'

Robbe blinks slowly and tries to see a little more clearly. 

Reported missing? He was a fucking adult, what do they mean reporting missing? 

He tries to ignore the spinning room. 

'I wasn't missing.'

His voice comes out hoarse. It hurts to speak. 

An understanding smile appears on the female officer's face. 

'You have been reporting missing by your boyfriend. You weren't picking up your phone, you have left an alarming letter, you checked out of your hotel and no knew where you were.' 

Robbe can feel his blood rushing to his cheeks. Fuck, he hadn't thought about that at all. 

'That wasn't my intention.'

He tries to ignore the way the male officer is eyeing up and down. 

'Are you under the influence of drugs or alcohol?'

Robbe shakes his pounding head. 

'Are you sure, sir?'

He tries to open his mouth, but nothing comes out. 

Suddenly the floor is extremely close and he can feel the cold floor tiles against his cheeks. 

Amora jumps out of his and he can see she ends on her four paws, as always. 

* * *

He wakes in a small bed that feels familiar. 

Robbe slowly opens his eyes and stares at the ceiling. He recognises that plastic stars everywhere. 

A warm hand is holding his own hand, softly stroking. 

He turns his head to the side and his eyes meet familiar green ones. 

They are red and puffy. Surrounded by purple bags. His hair is long and there is more brown than blond, but the boy looks stunning as always. 

'Hey, cutie.'

Sander's voice is soft and cracks lightly as he gently strokes Robbe's arm. 

'You have scared me so much the past month. You don't even know.'

The older boy leans down and presses a soft kiss against his forehead. 

'I can't even tell you how sorry I am.'

Robbe fails to meet his boyfriend's eyes. 

He keeps staring at their fingers that are intertwingled together. He can't help but rethink the moment they were together like this. The moment everything went to hell. 

'You can't do this ever again? Do you hear me?'

Robbe can feel Sander's soft fingers gently lifting his chin so he is forced to make eye contact. 

'Have you any idea how I felt when I read your note and you were gone? You checked out from your hotel and you didn't pick up your phone for a fucking month. It was the worst month of my life baby, the fucking worst month. Damn it, Robbe I thought I had lost you forever. You can't do anything like this ever again. You have to promise me.'

Sander's eyes are kinda glazy yet so strong. 

Robbe feels safe when he stares in those eyes. 

He realises that those eyes are his book now. 

Those eyes are the one that gives him comfort. 

To be bad it all has to end again. 

'Sander, what are you doing here?'

His voice is barely a whisper and it hurts his throat to talk. 

The older boy gives him a puzzled expression. 'What do you mean? Why wouldn't I be here?' 

Robbe tries to sit up straight in the bed. 

'Why aren't you on tour?'

Sander gently pushes him down again. 'The tour has been postponed because of you. We have told the fans nothing, don't worry.'

Robbe pulls back from Sander's touch. 

'What are you doing here?' 

'Your mother called me that the police finally found you. I just booked a flight to Antwerp. I have been for not even an hour, to be honest.'

'Sander, we broke up.'

The older boy slowly pulls his hands back. 

'No, we didn't.'

His voice suddenly sounds not that soft anymore. 

'Yes, we did. I wrote you a letter.'

Sander swallows loudly and lowers his head. 

'But I thought-'

His voice breaks. 

'It is better this way.'

'No, it is not. No, it is fucking not. '

Sander wipes tears rather aggressively from his cheeks. 

'It is not better this way, Robbe. I need you more than anything.'

'I can't do it anymore. It is over and out for me.'

'With the band right?'

Sander tries to reach out again, but Robbe denies him. 

'Also between us. I am sorry.'

It stays silent for a while apart from Sander's soft sniffs. 

'Why?'

Robbe can't help but chuckle. 

'Did you just ask me why?'

'Robbe, you can't hold me accountable for what I said one time when I obviously wasn't thinking clearly. You are so much more important than any contract or success.'

The younger boy just shakes his head as a reply. 

'Tell what I can do to make it up to you. Please Robbe, I fucking beg you.'

The ache in his chest is almost unbearable. 

He saw the pain in the eyes of his first love.

'Sander, I am a mess right now.'

'I know that baby, but so am I. I am such a fucking mess right now, you don't even want to know and it is only going to get worse without you.'

Robbe squeezes his eyes together to fight his tears. 

His chest is quickly rising and falling. 

'Don't do that.'

'Don't do what?

'Don't try to guilt me back into a relationship.'

It happens so fast that Robbe barely can process it. 

Sander stands up and slams his fist against the wall, fulling sobbing. The pictures on the wall wobble slightly. 

His shoulders are violently shocking and Robbe can even see if the white of his knuckles with his blurry sight. 

'Sander, please don't hurt yourself.'

The older boy leans his forehead against the wall. 

'Robbe, we made a promise. We wouldn't let them come between us. If we break up then they have won.' 

Why can't Sander understand him? Why can't the other boy see the point Robbe is trying to make?

'It has nothing to do with them. Our relationship isn't healthy, not anymore. I have to take a break, Sander. It has nothing to do with you personally. Time is what I need now.'

'How long?'

'I can't tell you.'

The older boy nods softly and walks back to the bed. 

His eyes are still glassy, but he has stopped crying. 

He presses his forehead against his lover's. 

'How did it go so wrong so fast?'

Their noses are softly touching and Robbe has to fight the desire to kiss the other boy. 

The red familiar lips so close yet so far. Robbe knows he has to do this. 

Their relationship can't continue like this. 

'It has been wrong for a long time.'

A fingertip starts to trace his bottom lip. 

'I am sorry I can't help you the same way you help me.'

Robbe squeezes his eyes together and he tries to ignore the lingering ache in his chest. 

'It is not your fault. I think I am not made for show business. I am not like you or Jens. I am more behind the scene person.'

Sander shakes his head.

'You are a performer. I am have seen it for myself. The way you can wrap an entire crowd around your finger without any effort. Fuck Robbe, I still get goosebumps when I think about that concert in Madison Square Garden. All our families where there do you remember?

Robbe knows exactly where his ex-boyfriend is talking about, but he still wants to hear the story. 

'It was one of the best moments of my life. The way the crowd was completely quiet, just listening to your angelic voice. It was your solo in you & I. 

There were over twenty thousand people there, but I could only stare at you. it was as if you had cast a spell on me. I just couldn't look away. 

That moment when the light was shining on you, fuck Robbe I will never forget that. It was if you were a true angel straight out of heaven. I just knew that I wanted to be with you forever.'

The older boy's voice broke completely during the last sentence. 

'I still love you, Sander.'

Robbe bites his lip as hard as he can to not start crying. 

'I know that.' 

Sander starts to stroke his hair, slowly massaging the younger boy's scalp. 'We will find our way back to each other. Maybe in a few months, maybe in a few years, maybe in the afterlife, but one day we will be together again.'

'You think so?'

His voice trembling. 

Sander places a soft kiss against his cheek. 

'I know it because you and I are made for each other. In each universe.'

Robbe can feel a watery smile appearing on his face. 

'You and I, 100% in each universe.'

Sander nods slowly and takes a deep breath. 

'Can I kiss you one last time?'

The older boy looks so beautiful that Robbe doesn't know how to speak anymore so he just nods softly. 

Sander takes his time, he gently lifts Robbe's head, brushes the brown curls away before closing the gap between their lips. 

Sander's kisses felt like home, a desire that you always had, but never knew you wanted. They were like a slow winter morning, the sun steadily rising outside the window and a cold floor underneath your feet. 

Every single kiss made you feel warm on the inside. 

Kissing Sander reminded Robbe of better times. Times when there was still hope. Times where they were younger and more native. 

Times weren't they hadn't been forced to grow up so fast. 

The kisses made him safe, secure and loved. 

It was truly like coming home. 

Both boys kept their eyes closed after Sander broke the kiss 

Unable to open eyes and face reality. 

'Goodbye, angel' 

Sander let his finger trace one more time over the upper lip of the younger boy before turning around and walking away. 

'Goodbye, Sander' Robbe whispers minutes after the other boy has left. 

'Goodbye, for now, baby.'

Tears streaming freely over his cheeks. 

The pain in his chest is unbearable. It feels likes his heart has been ripped out, but there is also something else. 

There is the feeling as if he can finally breathe again. As if the invisible hand that blocked his airways has released his grip. 

The feeling of relief in his stomach. 

It was better this way. 

* * *

Robbe couldn't help but feel nervous. He hadn't seen the other boys in months. 

Would they be mad? His mouth is twitching while he trying to keep his breathing steady. 

He can already feel the panic boiling in his stomach. 

_ 'Close your eyes. Be aware of your body. Feel the blood flooding through your body. Relax your neck and shoulders. Keeping your mouth closed, inhale slowly through your nose for 2 counts. _

_ Pucker your lips as though you were going to whistle. _

_ Exhale slowly by blowing air through your pursed lips for a count of 4. _

_ Focus on your soundings.' _

He lets out a shaky exhale and tries not to push the panic away.  _ Embrace it, ask yourself why are you panicked? Face your fears so that you are prepared.  _

Robbe had been going to therapy three times weekly the past few months. It had was helping a lot. 

He had finally built up the courage to face his former bandmates. 

So now he was sitting here, waiting for them to finish there meet and greet. 

It was had been nice to see them perform. Robbe founded it weird to stand backstage. It was weird not join them, to hear the other boy's sing his solo's. 

The concert was amazing. The boy's looked and song better than never before. 

Robbe was proud of them. 

His exit had been sudden for the other boy's and Robbe hadn't even told them in person. No, he had just dipped. 

A lawyer was dealing with all the contract and stuff, but it was going to be alright. 

He had a medical condition which made him unable to continue the contract. The label couldn't touch him. 

Robbe didn't know how the world had responded. 

He hadn't touched social media in the past few months. Too afraid for what he would find there. 

He didn't know which scenario he rather had. That no one gave a shit or that he had hurt a lot of people. 

Robbe had been living with his mother for the past months. It had also helped a lot. 

He had taken up some online courses to keep himself busy. A few weeks ago he had started to write music again. 

It had always been his outlet. 

Music was his escape but he couldn't hear it for months. 

His therapist, Tom a calm man around fifty, told him he was traumatised in some way. Robbe thought it was a bit much. He still loved music, he just needed a break. 

Tom had been really proud of him when Robbe had told him that he started writing again. 

It was apparently a big step in his recovery. 

Robbe also felt better if he was being honest. 

The thoughts were less dark and he finally felt free. 

He could be himself without anyone judging him. 

A soft knock interrupted his thoughts. 

Robbe took a deep breath and prepared himself for confronting the boys, but Noor walks through the door, straight into his arms. 

'Oh, my sexy hero.'

Robbe rolls his eyes when he hears his old pet name.

She has tears in her big brown eyes. 

'I have missed you.'

'I have missed you more. I miss dressing you up.'

'I am not a doll.'

The girl gives him a playful nudge

'You will always be my doll. You have been since we were little, do you remember that?'

'Being forced to wear all some weird girl clothes while you were painting my nails or practising drawing eyeliner on my face? I still get nightmares.'

Noor chuckles softly 'I would say that I am sorry about that, but I am really not. You have helped me improve my skills a lot'

'It is alright, I am slowly getting over it.'

'I have to leave now because I need to prepare something. Please don't be a stranger! I live in L.A. now when we are not on tour, please come and visit whenever you can.'

She bites her lip. 

'I really miss you.'

'I miss you too, Noor.'

She kisses him on his cheek and slowly walks back to the door. A small wave and he is alone again. Well apart from Amora who is playing with some sort box. 

A grin appears on his face as he watches her destroy the box. 

He thought bringing her would be a good idea. 

If things become awkward he can just use her as a distraction. 

He can't deny feeling nervous. 

The boys have right to mad at him. He just ditched them without even talking to them personally. 

Robbe knew he probably would be offended. 

And there was Sander. 

Robbe was wondering if the older boy would also come to talk to him. They had a proper goodbye. 

It didn't help with his nerves. Robbe wasn't sure if he wanted to see Sande or not. 

He missed his ex more then he would like to admit, but the time still wasn't right. They would have to hide their relationship once again and Robbe would be sucked back into the toxic environment which he has tried to escape for several months now. 

Even though he would kill to experience Sander's love, it would defeat the entire point of him quitting the band. 

He hoped that Sander would understand that. 

Maybe the other boy had moved on already, that was also an option of course. 

It hurt his heart to think about Sander with someone else, but the other boy would deserve that. 

The wait was killing him. The concert ended around two hours again. He tries to remember how long a meet and greet would last. An hour? Maybe two? It depended on the country. Would the boys get changed first? 

Robbe breathes slowly out through is his mouth. 

It was going to be okay. 

Even if the boys would get mad. Robbe was prepared for that. 

He should have known that the boys wouldn't be mad. 

It was awkward for three seconds when all four members were standing in front of him, but then Jens wrapped him in tightly in a hug. 

The other boys followed as well. 

Their group hugs were something that Robbe had missed like crazy. It where the kind of hugs where always someone would start to mess around. 

They were all a bit emotional, but it was okay. 

They were brothers in some sort of way. All of them understood what the other was going through. There was no need for an explanation. 

It got awkward when Amber entered the room. 

She didn't know what to say or look. A sad smile was the only thing on her face. 

All the boys ignored her a little until she started to speak. 

'I just wanted to let you guys know I quit. Today was my last day.'

The silence that follows is deadly. 

Alls the boy give each other uncomfortable looks. 

'Why are you quitting?' 

Senne finally asks when the girl makes her way to the door. 

'Because I am done with it. I don't want to be associated with that bitch anymore. I-'

She stops for a second and stares to the ground. 

'I am sorry.'

'Why haven't you said you were quitting?' 

Luc doesn't really look at her. 

'It is not that you guys care or anything which I can't blame you.' 

Another awkward silence. 

'We do care' Sander suddenly says. 

'Of course we fucking care. Where would we have been without you?' 

A sad smile appears on the girl's face. 

'Good luck, guys. Robbe, it was nice to see you once again. I hope you are doing better.' And just like that, she is gone.

Jens curses underneath his breath. 

'Fucking Amber as well' Luc shakes his head. 

It stings more than any of the boys want to admit. They all were constantly annoyed by the blond girl but she was always there. 

No matter how early or how late which country they were, the girl was always there and she had been there since the beginning. 

It was her first job perhaps that was why she was so eager. 

No one says it but you can practically smell in the air. 

They all feel guilty. They were always kinda rude to her and didn't appreciate the girl. 

'Maybe we can send her some flowers or something' suggest Senne kinda awkwardly. The other members mutter an approval. 

They talk for a little. 

Robbe tries not to stare at Sander who is playing with Amora. 

The boy is still wearing the clothes he was wearing during the concert. Saying he was looking good was an understatement. 

It was nice to catch up with all the boys, but they didn't have much time. The tour bus had to leave already if they wanted to be one time in Amsterdam. 

Sander was dawdling. He kept playing with Amora, ignoring the other boy's that are calling him. 

Eventually, they are alone. 

Sander has picked up Amora who is purring loudly as he strokes underneath her chin. 

Robbe swallows when he notices the bracelet around the other boy's wrist. 

It does something to him he can't explain. There is this feeling in his stomach that almost feels like butterflies. The fact that Sander could take the bracelet off, but still hasn't makes him emotional. The bracelet was a reminder of their love just at their tattoos. The only difference was that tattoos weren’t temporary. Robbe didn’t regret them at all. 

Sander was and is the love of his life. 

'How are you?'

Sander's voice is off and he won't look at Robbe. His gaze is completely focused on Amora. 

'A lot better.' 

There is a moment of silence. 

'That is good' Sander clears his throat 'That is very good.' 

The boy hands over Amora. Their fingertips brush lightly against each other causing Robbe to shiver. 

'I go- The bus- You know?' Sander stumbles back staring at the ground. 

'Sander?'

The older boy lifts his head. His eyes are brighter than never before. 

'Yeah?'

'I am sorry for what I said to you that evening.'

Sander's face falls. 'Oh euh, don't worry about it. I don't even remember it.'

It is a lie and they both know it. 

The words have been running around in Robbe's mind ever since. 

' _ Just because I am not willing to cheat this isn't my dream? You are a fucking coward Sander and you know it. Either you don't care about my feelings or you just enjoy pretending to be with someone else. If it at least is still pretending. Also, you are a fucking hypocrite. Telling me to told on and that is everything is going to be alright while you are planning on never coming out because of fucking fame! Fucking fame for fuck sake. You claim that you hate how fake everyone here is but you are just like them, if not even faker. You are just like every single cloud chaser here in Hollywood.' _

He knows he accused Sander of a lot of horrible things and he can't help but feel bad about. 

'I am truly sorry, Sander.'

The older boy shakes his head. 

'Don't be sorry. We both know you were right.' 

While Robbe is processing the words the other boy has already left the room before Robbe can even open his mouth. Leaving him standing there with a thousand unspoken words. 

Robbe knows what heartbreak feels like. He is has experienced many times during his life. 

The first time was probably when his dad left. It was a heartbreak for the end of his childhood. He had to let go of his times without worries. It was the first time Robbe had to deal with adults problems. 

The second time was when he heard he didn't make it through to the Bootcamp. It had felt like he wasn't good enough because that was what it was. He hadn't been good enough. He remembers standing on the stage while his dreams were shattered to pieces. He wasn't going to be a singer. He wasn't going to make it. There was no way out of his life. 

He had auditioned to escape reality. Music career seemed like a way out of his miserable life. Robbe didn't like school. He didn't have many friends or people to talk to. He was an outsider. His home situation was messy. 

His mother had just gone to the institution so he had to settle in a new place with people he barely knew. Turns out it was of the best decisions in his life, but still. 

His heart that was hoping was shattered into pieces. 

The third time was in London. He and Sander were invited to Simone's office. It was when they heard they weren't allowed to date. Robbe, who was just starting to accept his sexuality, had been devastating. He had known happiness for a second, but it was already taken away from him. 

The fourth time was when he saw Sander and Britt kiss for the first time. It did more to him than he would ever admit out loud. The feeling of not being good enough returned along with the shame of his sexuality. It had reopened a wound in heart that wasn't fully closed in the first place. 

The fifth time was during the fight that evening. When Sander had expressed his feelings about them being together in the future. It was the thing that broke Robbe's heart that had been damaged a lot already that year. It had been the final straw to give up. Robbe was tired of fighting. He thought he had hit rock bottom and he probably had. No Sander, No band, no success or fame anymore, no nothing. 

The sixth time was tonight. To hear the love of his life speak that. To see the love of his life act that way. So insecure, so vulnerable, so exposed, so hurt. Robbe did that, he was part of the reason Sander was broken now. 

He was responsible for hurting the other boy. It did not only break his heart but it also made him feel sick. 

Suddenly the room was too small and there was too little air. 

He struggled to get Amora back into her cot. The cat was loudly meowing and floundering. 

Robbe muttered an apology as he shoved her inside. He would make it up to her as soon as they had left this room. 

He grabbed his jacket and left the room as soon as he could. 

* * *

He only saw it when he got home. Something was hanging onto Amora's collar. It was a small black USB stick. 

Robbe waited for his mother to go to bed before he plugged it in his laptop and grabbed his headphones. He closed his eyes when Sander low voice fills his ears

'Dear, Robbe. Our new album is almost finished. Uhh yeah, I wrote a lot of songs about you and also produced them. Some of them didn't make the album. I know I am going to see when we have the concert in Antwerp, but I already know I won't be able to talk to you so that is why I made this. You can do with it whatever you want but please don't go to the press because then I will get in big trouble.' 

Robbe chuckles softly while tears are running down his cheeks. 

'I just wanted you to hear the songs before anyone else did. I have made them for you. Don't feel obligated to listen to them. I just want to let you know that I think about you. At least every hour. I hope I can tell you this in person, but if you hear this I probably haven't. I am sorry.'

There is a small pause.

'I just want to tell you that I still love you and that I miss you every single day. Your recovery is so much more important but I just needed to tell you this. I hope you like the album, it will be out soon and it is dedicated to you. We all miss you and it is not the same without you. 

Here are the songs that I wrote for you even the ones that didn't make the album. Take care, Robin.' 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end of the fic but also not really.  
> There is going to be an epilogue
> 
> I am also planning to write some sort of flashbacks (their first kiss, first time performing, first meeting, their first award show etc.) but only if you guys are interested.  
> I don't know if I am going to upload those daily or not. Something happened a few days ago and I don't know if I will be able to write a lot. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> You can also find me on Tumblr. I post there also stuff about Sobbe if you are interested (jxoxsxsxi)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
